Monday, 8 February 2016

Insects and Plan B

The title of this post is a little misleading. It is actually very misleading. It is because I have been spending some of today writing (or attempting to write) my literature review chapter. I should probably correct that even more - when I say 'some of today', I mean between 8-9am, and between 7-now, I have been with my papers and notes and documents of many notes and bullet points and half written paragraphs in a structure that will be unrecognisable by the time I am finished. BUT, at least I have made a start, and, in at least one area in my life, I am on target. One small victory to me.

The reason I have entitled this post 'insects' is really for no other reason but to try to get it out of my head. I am writing a literature review section on the impact of trauma on brain development and attachment functioning for young children - or, if you're me, you write about why you're NOT writing about that (AKA distress shouldn't be medicalised and we are MORE than that). In the literature, some people refer to young children as 'infants'. So, of course each time I turn to my keyboard to write 'infants', I inevitably write 'young insects'. Apart from that time I wrote 'insencts'. I really have a case of brain mush today. It makes me entertained to say the least. Perhaps on par with my email I sent out earlier - where I clicked 'reply all' to all my colleagues when intending to write about 'exam invigilation' I actually typed 'exam invigoration'. Safe to say my brain-type co-ordination isn't on top form today. I almost don't care. It's nice to have something stupid to have a giggle at on my own. 

I really am not writing in here very often these days. It means I end up writing about insects - seriously not an interesting topic for me. Since I seem to spend most days ridiculously busy, time seems to be so precious. Each year I think I understand what busy feels like and when the next year comes I am certain that I was fooled and mistaken and that I did not realise how fortunate I was. The thought crosses my mind often to pack things in and stand in front of the camera most days. At least that way there are only emails to respond to and if you don't respond then it's known that you are busy and you'll either be called or they can wait. I don't think I want the responsibility of ensuring I have 32-24-34 measurements or having those measurements be the sole determiner of my monthly income. BUT I do for sure feel I could do with a couple of months away from the things and people that unfortunately reality is throwing at me. Last weekend I took a trip to Amsterdam and found my brain totally pre-occupied with research and applications. I was also eyeing up apartments with balconies that I could live in in my alternative life that I have all mapped out. My Plan B perhaps. Needless to say, I am pretty sure it should become a Plan A.

Anyway, no modelling for now. For now, it's random trips to Amsterdam because apparently that's the way to deal with the unpredictability of life (on a rocky boat too...). I learnt I am really good with motion and sleeping anywhere I lay my head when I am tired. But then again I learnt that when I lived in a top floor apartment in Osaka in a bed that had no bedding and an apartment that had no air-con in the middle of summer. I also learnt I can write research proposals whilst drinking a bottle of wine on a big ship in the middle of the ocean when there is a storm. Also for now, I am in my 7th week of becoming a vegan. I say 'becoming' because it's sort of a transition and am not sure if it will stay or if I will decide it isn't for me. But for once I am doing it properly and not using it as another excuse to get/maintain the 32-24-34. I sometimes find myself late at night night watching upsetting videos about the dairy and meat industry, which aren't so pleasurable and they lead me to wondering, how, in my angry vegan state I can become an activist.. for animal rights, for women's rights, for gender equality, liberation, against sexism and ageism, etc... Often these aren't even the things I'm angry about but mostly they are very much underpinning. Perhaps in my alternative life when I get my 2 apartments in Amsterdam and of course Barcelona. Barcelona for the summer and Amsterdam for the winter. Totally sorted. Who needs a PhD. 

Anyway, I have been unwell so I am not drinking wine. It's also a school-night. But here's a cheers to my alternative life and to whoever wishes to join me.
A few pictures of the Dam: