Saturday revision day

Today has been almost entirely dedicated to revision. Revision is not my forte. I like reading, I like words and I love nothing more than to write about something I care about. But revision... Re-learning what I'd hoped was already in my mind somewhere? I don't know, there's something a little repetitive about this which does not motivate me in the slightest. And there is something a little misleading about the illusive nature of exams in that I highly doubt we can ever do justice to our knowledge without adequate and sufficient resources and time. However, it is what it is, and it must be done. Perfect? No, it won't be perfect. But that's exactly it - that unattainable, misleading and illusive thing.

Lessons of a Friday: Decisiveness, power and macaroons

This week, once more, has been madness. In fact, just today alone has been enough to make me absolutely write off any revision plans I had this evening. I won't thank myself for this self-indulgent but rather sanity-preserving decision on Monday at 2pm when I'll be sat in an exam hall faced with essay questions of which reading could really benefit me. So, considering the madness, I think the best way to write at the moment is under bullet points. Under which the three lessons of today are outlined. This speaks a lot about my mental capacity right now...

Decisiveness. Being indecisive wastes time. Time is precious and people are precious and to spend hours debating how you will spend an evening to then not spend it with either of the people you had previously planned on spending it with...? I like to think of myself as fairly decisive. Fairly in touch with my instinct and usually trusting in that means I tend to do things on my own accord. It's a Taurean red-headed streak of passive determination. I actually like that a lot, but stress seems to be impacting me and making me a somewhat inconsistent individual. I worry so much that I won't have any free time that each potential free moment I've been grabbing with both hands but torn by the idea of spending time with people I love. Balance will be restored soon, I just wish soon came soon enough.

However, lesson number two: Macaroons should never, ever be questioned. Never debate whether you are allowed a small treat in the form of some macaroons with your best friend. They are worth it. Eating them does not make you a bad person. And you earned them. Particularly passionfruit and lemon macaroons... Those things are heaven sent little packages of pure goodness. Guilt-free goodness.

Final lesson of today: Sometimes we're under the illusion that asserting ourselves will feel good. There's a lot of power and politics associated with assertion, both of which make me feel uncomfortably like the bad guy. That I am under the illusion that somehow the world owes me a lifetime of goodness when I know that the world owes me nothing at all. I found out today that for someone like me, asserting myself doesn't feel good at all, and it is sometimes not productive in any way, shape or form. But then I wonder, for how long can one be complacent until the rug is snapped from under your feet completely? Do people gradually walk away or is it one big dramatic explosion? Or are we just compliant forever and in submissiveness we are powerless? Surely this is not the way we live? However, I have a friend who advised me to fight back with the power of the universe. This reminded me of the greater good and of the immense power the universe holds. The kind of unfathomable power that only exists in the dreams of superheroes. If we put our faith in the universe, the universe in turn, puts it's faith in us. 

Music, friends and perspective

It's good to take a break. It puts life into perspective. I'm on the straight and narrow now... Single digits until the dissertation hand in date. Last night I spent time with some of my very closest friends and we watched some awesome local music, and yes, my worries were put into perspective. I am so incredibly grateful that all it takes is the presence of good people and my mindset is transformed. A change of mindset changes the way we view the world. My world looks significantly brighter today. I think I've been smiling at strangers.

An afternoon of belonging

I'm sat outside a cafe in town by the river re-igniting my love for reading and writing with only the company of my own thoughts, music, a book, and my pen and paper.

I am planning an assignment, so unfortunately it's not reading for pleasure. I shouldn't really be planning this assignment anyway, I should be working on the more imminent deadlines such as dissertation and exam. This is just where the afternoon has taken me though. I am fortunate enough to study in an area that I find so compelling and fascinating that it doesn't matter that so much of my reading is limited to my degree. I don't despise my reading lists and I wish there was more time to enjoy this kind of activity. More time would allow me to fully embrace rather than read with an open minded heart but through tunnel vision sight due to ever imminent deadlines and focussed assignments. I am educating myself on my own philosophical stance as it stands at the present moment in time. How can this be ever fully justified in one essay? It can't... I'm not even sure it can be eloquently and sufficiently phrased but without feeling grounded in my understanding it will most certainly be a challenge.

If working can ever be a blissful experience, this is it. It's beautiful outside and when it's warm and peaceful, it eradicates some of the impending doom I think deadlines tend to advocate. It really is a place where my soul feels at home, even if just a temporary home, my soul belongs. We can spend a lifetime fighting these deadlines, or we can decide to go with it and put to good use the energy we otherwise spend fighting something that ultimately we cannot change.

All that you need is in your soul

'all that you need now is in your soul'
- Simple Man, Shinedown.

Happy bank holiday Monday. The sun is shining outside and I shall always continue to be a strong advocate for seizing the sunshine as and when we can - it has potential to bring so much joy, even to the most despondent souls. The most simple and natural and consistent thing there is in this world is light, yet the power it holds is unimaginable. Imagine a world with no sunlight. We wake up and assume the sun will suitably follow our awakening because that's the world we live in. Because light and dark is such an objectively known fact. However, for anyone who's spent time with me lately as the sun's been setting in the evening, they will have been witness to my love for how beautiful and incomparable the view is each day. That ball of fire in the sky holds much more power than we are momentarily aware of. The sun is 150 million km away from earth yet it creates the most breathtaking views.

Anyway, moving away from my inner romantic idealism; there is no time for such thinking at least for this moment in time! Currently I'm sat in my room with a full draft completed of my dissertation whilst listening to some beautiful music. (that's where the above quote comes from) I am considering relocating to the garden with my exam revision because yes, it's beautiful outside. This time next week I will be sat in an exam hall taking my final year clinical psychology exam and I haven't even begun to even look at past questions or my overbearing mammoth sized 'Psychopathology' book which lies rather intimidatingly in front of me. Time to remove myself from dissertation land for the time-being. In a few days time I can consider edits and re-drafts and the lucky souls I pinpoint to proofread my dissertation baby, which oddly, I feel somewhat protective over at the minute.

It's a beautiful day to save lives... OK, I'm no Derek Shepherd, but it is a beautiful day and I need to use it wisely. I am going to my boyfriend's gig tonight, so today must be embraced, even if it means sitting in the garden with books and coffee. As the music says, all that we need is in our soul. Let us use it.

An appropriate coping mechanism?

I have successfully gotten through almost the entire three years of my degree rarely touching alcohol because it just 'isn't something I do'. However, recent activities seem to have significantly proven this statement to be very wrong indeed...
Bad habit, self medication, substance dependence, or just a fairly appropriate coping mechanism that most third years with hectic lives turn to in desperate times? Let's face it, it's a most enjoyable coping mechanism if there ever was one to enjoy.

A continuation

A continuation of life's madness.

I say 'madness' here, and it's not a bad thing. In fact, it's ironically the one constant of my life. It's the thing that causes much stress but simultaneously I'm not sure I am capable of living any other way. It's a necessity - keeping life moving the way it does. Life, at least for the time being, is one beautiful. extensive and ever-lasting continuous series of events that I suspect would probably string together one day very nicely with an abundance of stories to tell. To corrupt the string of events before it's time would be a crime.. so for now I am going with the process, going with life, and hoping that it doesn't cause too much damage along the way.

Yesterday only I could sit through the last lecture at Uni, rush off to a photoshoot with some great and talented friends, and spend the evening with some of those people drinking wine and talking about I don't know what whilst editing the shots. I have to say too, that the location was the most breathtakingly beautiful castle. And we modelled my good friend Ruth's collection, who I think absolutely deserves all the wonderful things that life can give. Her collection is just beautiful.

Here's to a day of catching up on the things 'madness' often causes us to neglect. That's after my casting in Manchester and after I attempt to forgive myself for missing my morning lecture due to the fact my head is living in a parallel universe where it happens to be any other day but Friday. I'm sure we all have days where the madness of life causes us to live in blissful unawareness particularly regarding the date/day. Similar to that feeling of returning back to reality after a holiday and you somehow lose touch with the days and all sense of time is forgotten about. It's actually a little disorientating; not that I've been on holiday at all, but it's a similar concept.

I shall get ready to leave for the train, where I will sit for an hour and a half with my laptop and dissertation and coffee and hope that no train buddies attempt to join me. I'm all for making friends with strangers and bonding over our travel experiences but for today, I need to dedicate every ounce of my attention to my dissertation and perhaps begin some exam revision. Sitting in a casting room is probably the most rest I will get today...

Below are some pictures from yesterday. Thank you Ruth, for organizing a day of beautiful clothes, beautiful surroundings, and beautiful people.