It was an evening of escapism and it was bliss.
A very beautiful kind of bliss...
Thursday, 2 May 2013
A beautiful kind of bliss
After a day at University attempting to work but only successfully editing a little section of my dissertation; nowhere near enough, it seemed right to embrace the summers evening and sit by the river with a glass of wine before enjoying a movie.
It was an evening of escapism and it was bliss.
A very beautiful kind of bliss...
It was an evening of escapism and it was bliss.
A very beautiful kind of bliss...
Tuesday, 30 April 2013
Ten steps ahead?
I finally have time to post a blog... a brief post nonetheless. I am sat in my living room having just this minute submitted the Clinical Psychology essay which is due in three days. One down, many more to go... But one down is a better position than where I was at this morning. Well, this morning I woke up sufficiently exhausted after what can only be described as a day of complete madness the day before. I woke with a faint post-wine headache and my best friend urging me to wake up so we could go for coffee before she had to leave York. We did go for a soy cappuccino and macaroons and it was really, really lovely.
In fact not only was yesterday complete madness, I had a tutorial first thing in the morning, then went to Manchester to check in at the agency and go for a casting. I also had a really exciting travel opportunity to Mumbai given to me which I'm currently debating. I knew my 'serious' head would be challenged in the not too distant future. Do I practice what I preach and grab life and all it has to offer me? Open the doors which are practically opened for me? Or do I stick around for something else which might be part of the bigger picture? Key word being 'might'... It's that phrase 'Carpe Diem' - How can we ever really seize the moment and live freely with an open-minded attitude if we're constantly living ten steps ahead of ourselves? Living ten steps ahead is a sure fire way to kill any chance of truly seizing the opportunities that the moment provides. It actually blinds us a little to what might have been because we are so certain that the future is all that matters. The present shapes the future... Therefore, in order to shape the best future for ourselves, surely we must focus on shaping the best life we can for what we have right now. We cannot neglect the present. Surely it's better while I'm still relatively commitment free (other than my house) to do a little travelling again and embrace the aspects of travelling that I know I love. I have spent two summers living away and out of a suitcase... it comes with pros and cons and it's sparked off all sorts of questions in my mind.
Anyway, yesterday - after casting I rushed across town to a job that afternoon and evening. I arrived back home at approximately 11.30pm when Anna and I drank wine until the point where our memories fade into sleep. It was one of those days where I have to step back and have a reality check in order to keep myself in the real world. It's one of those weeks really.. Weeks, months, years.
I have to say, submitting this assignment is simultaneous minor relief but mainly much trepidation because I know there's much more ahead. My perfectionism is striving right now to make it near impossible for me to feel like what I'm doing is even approaching being measurably good enough. But hey, we have to maintain that driving power. It's part of motivation and life, but it's also a little soul destroying. Bitter-sweet balance must be achieved.
Madness illustrated via pictures...
In fact not only was yesterday complete madness, I had a tutorial first thing in the morning, then went to Manchester to check in at the agency and go for a casting. I also had a really exciting travel opportunity to Mumbai given to me which I'm currently debating. I knew my 'serious' head would be challenged in the not too distant future. Do I practice what I preach and grab life and all it has to offer me? Open the doors which are practically opened for me? Or do I stick around for something else which might be part of the bigger picture? Key word being 'might'... It's that phrase 'Carpe Diem' - How can we ever really seize the moment and live freely with an open-minded attitude if we're constantly living ten steps ahead of ourselves? Living ten steps ahead is a sure fire way to kill any chance of truly seizing the opportunities that the moment provides. It actually blinds us a little to what might have been because we are so certain that the future is all that matters. The present shapes the future... Therefore, in order to shape the best future for ourselves, surely we must focus on shaping the best life we can for what we have right now. We cannot neglect the present. Surely it's better while I'm still relatively commitment free (other than my house) to do a little travelling again and embrace the aspects of travelling that I know I love. I have spent two summers living away and out of a suitcase... it comes with pros and cons and it's sparked off all sorts of questions in my mind.
Anyway, yesterday - after casting I rushed across town to a job that afternoon and evening. I arrived back home at approximately 11.30pm when Anna and I drank wine until the point where our memories fade into sleep. It was one of those days where I have to step back and have a reality check in order to keep myself in the real world. It's one of those weeks really.. Weeks, months, years.
I have to say, submitting this assignment is simultaneous minor relief but mainly much trepidation because I know there's much more ahead. My perfectionism is striving right now to make it near impossible for me to feel like what I'm doing is even approaching being measurably good enough. But hey, we have to maintain that driving power. It's part of motivation and life, but it's also a little soul destroying. Bitter-sweet balance must be achieved.
Madness illustrated via pictures...
Saturday, 27 April 2013
Birthday
Yesterday was the best birthday my life has given me so far. It was because I hadn't stressed, I hadn't planned a lot, I was not afraid of turning a year older, in fact, I am excited and shall embrace all that being 24 has to offer. And regardless of everything else, I trust in people. I trust in going with things, more so than I have ever known how to do. I haven't ever really known such a concept existed until the past year or so. But I think sometimes, that putting up a fiercely defiant fight uses up more energy than it would if we could just let things be. Last year I didn't tell any one of my friends that it was my birthday approaching and I removed my birthday from Facebook. Truth be told, I don't quite remember what I did, and then I realized that being on the other side of the fence in that situation is not a nice feeling at all. Being a sister or a best friend of a person who doesn't want to celebrate the day they were born...? It's sad to see someone you love unable to reciprocate that love toward themselves. There is an amazing kind of love that we hold for family and friends - the ones we trust, we have a certain kind of immeasurable love for. At least that's how it feels for me anyway. So I decided to go with it this year. I let things be.
So despite being in the midst of what I refer to as this 'third year nightmare', the end is approaching far too soon. Just far too soon, and deadlines and exams are approaching along with 'the end'. Jobs and jobs and jobs, everything associated with leaving student life but reaching that heartbreaking realization which is inevitable for the ending of most good things in life. We didn't even know what we'd immersed ourselves in until the end was in sight, and having the end in sight means that it very almost IS the end. It's that age old concept of not truly appreciating all that something is until you're at the end. The universe shall continue to work in strange and compelling ways to throw more and more things our way which of course, we will fight and resist and never truly embrace until we've fully understood and then it'll be the end. I think these are sometimes some of the hardest lessons to learn.
So despite being in the midst of what I refer to as this 'third year nightmare', the end is approaching far too soon. Just far too soon, and deadlines and exams are approaching along with 'the end'. Jobs and jobs and jobs, everything associated with leaving student life but reaching that heartbreaking realization which is inevitable for the ending of most good things in life. We didn't even know what we'd immersed ourselves in until the end was in sight, and having the end in sight means that it very almost IS the end. It's that age old concept of not truly appreciating all that something is until you're at the end. The universe shall continue to work in strange and compelling ways to throw more and more things our way which of course, we will fight and resist and never truly embrace until we've fully understood and then it'll be the end. I think these are sometimes some of the hardest lessons to learn.
Back to my birthday... It was wonderful. I had two (and a half) days to spend with the people who chose to spend it with me. We had lunches, dinners, wine, cocktails, late nights, close friends, all my family, gifts, flowers, cards... I really am ridiculously reflective and grateful tonight.When I feel this way I am always hit with a strong urge to write about how beautiful and good the world is and how I am surrounded by the most incredible people... But I shall refrain from such sentimentally driven writing. There's a time and place! But equally, it is so important that we tell those who matter that they are valued and that they are not taken for granted.
I am so hopeful and have faith that this year shall be a year of goodness...
Monday, 22 April 2013
What a weekend means
'That's what weekends are for'... is the essence of much advice given to me lately on the subject of taking a break from commitments in order to enjoy some downtime over the weekend. People trying to make it 'OK' for me to take time off while I struggle with this concept greatly, because life for me does not stop at the weekend. Life is one continuous flow of events... A week consists of seven days and time does not miraculously stand still just because it's Saturday or Sunday. Each day has as much potential as the next, and we are well within our rights to dictate how our days shall be spent. Sure, I am a great believer and advocate of balance and understanding what we need as an individual. But that's precisely it; we are all individual, so we must allow ourselves a break as and when needed, in whichever form this may take.
It's all relative. It's deemed 'socially acceptable' to leave worries and commitments aside for those two days of the week. I'm acutely aware that this is partly owing to my inability to settle for anything less than my best, but I struggle with a 'wasted day', and I'm sure I am not alone in this. Part of me would love nothing more than the ability to compartmentalize my life but something about the way I work means that this is a near impossible challenge, at least for the present moment.
To look back and regret not making the most of the time available is perhaps one of the feelings I most fear. I think this is why I strive to fill the days, and life with as much as humanly possible, because time is a paradoxical thing. It seems momentarily to be eternally present, yet it's not; it is irreplaceable and it never, ever stops.
It is Monday now and my day has been spent mentoring at the high school I work at, and pressing on with the dissertation that was semi-neglected over the weekend. However, the weekend, I believe was balanced in a way which made sense for me. As evidenced, I cannot take the entire weekend off, but when opportunity presents itself to take an afternoon in the early summer sunshine (did I perhaps just mention the word 'summer'....?) then it seemed too right not to. We had each others company, the car, the sun was so beautiful, and we wanted nothing more than to escape just for an afternoon. Nothing in this world is perfect, but very few things could prove imperfections to exist. As I said; time is momentarily eternal.
Friday, 19 April 2013
'If we knew what we were doing, it wouldn't be called research.'
Writing a dissertation is challenging for many reasons. I suspect for many reasons that I don't even realize right now either, but with a month to go until the deadline, it feels rather relevant to take the time to reflect on exactly why the task I'm in the middle of feels so much like 'finding the wood from the trees'. It is easy to become too focused on one aspect that you lose sight of the bigger picture. One must always keep a hold of the whole picture, even if in the background, otherwise the task of making sense of it all is unnecessarily magnified and we lose perspective, among other things.
The predominant feeling is one of self-distrust. Which I guess is one most students feel to some degree when writing an assignment in which their viewpoint is illustrated. How does one trust in their own voice, their own decisions, and their ability to confidently walk down the right path rather than the one that just looks right. How do we trust that a few miles down that path, the path that seemed safe won't just tail off and the streetlights won't fade out leaving us entirely alone and in the dark. A dissertation in it's nature is entirely self-driven. How can one write a grounded and convincing piece when deep down I'm not even sure that I convince myself. I am writing about attachment theory and eating disorders. This is a subject that I know fairly well, but still, I find myself questioning all that I do and write. Are my findings ridiculously and blindingly obvious? Have I pulled out the themes of substance or have I just located the ones I thought were right? There is no room or time for self-distrust when in order to write a piece of substance, I must trust that the issues I discuss are real.
There is a hell of a responsibility that falls hand in hand with research. I am under no illusions that life is not anything more than us taking responsibility for who we are and what we do... But this dissertation is the final hurdle of my degree and I've never written something that has so much attached to it. Perhaps I am currently living in a warped third-year-view-of-life, but I do believe that this piece of work carries weight. I have proposed and planned my research, I have written interviews, sourced participants, been lucky enough to meet some incredible people and hear their views and stories. I have then analysed and pulled out themes which I have to trust myself are real meaningful themes and not just my self-perceived themes of importance. There's the responsibility, and here is where self-trust is required. I think a sense of creativity is needed, in that the mind must allow room for flexibility and discussion and free-flowing ideas. This open-mindedness is as much applied to life as it is to our work. If you begin research with the same thoughts that you end it with, perhaps that's all it was, but I'd be questioning whether there was more. And then if there is more - who's to say it's 'right'? No one but you. There are in fact, no rights or wrongs, but oh, the responsibility.
Loneliness... 'no one but you' - That's not entirely true, I have friends and a great supervisor, and I feel grateful for that support. But it's ultimately down to my own better judgement and my ability to think freely, yet concisely and critically. And ultimately, it is me, myself, and I, sat alone with music and cups of coffee (or wine) and many documents for my many chapters, attempting to find the wood for the trees. But it is my own wood, and my own trees. And therefore, it can be quite a lonely process. For one who enjoys my own company, that's a rather meaningful statement to make! I guess it is what it is, which really is OK. It has to be. It is all what I choose to make it. I am by no means in a lonely place, but this process is lonely.
I suppose it's also about balance, and time, and work-life-priorities. My life is filled with more things that it ever has been, yet in order to work at peak level, we must be rested and refreshed and not entirely consumed. In order to see the wood from the trees, the only way to see the bigger picture is to step back once in a while. How can we see the world if we're sat inside the house in the safety of our bedrooms? We can't... Such a thing is physically impossible. We must do what that insane but pretty courageous Austrian man, Felix Baumgartner did. OK, I wouldn't advocate free-falling at 843.6mph down to earth with nothing more than a parachute between living and dying, but the concept of standing in a removed position with an open mind and taking in the view is perhaps more appropriate and achievable for us mere human beings!
The predominant feeling is one of self-distrust. Which I guess is one most students feel to some degree when writing an assignment in which their viewpoint is illustrated. How does one trust in their own voice, their own decisions, and their ability to confidently walk down the right path rather than the one that just looks right. How do we trust that a few miles down that path, the path that seemed safe won't just tail off and the streetlights won't fade out leaving us entirely alone and in the dark. A dissertation in it's nature is entirely self-driven. How can one write a grounded and convincing piece when deep down I'm not even sure that I convince myself. I am writing about attachment theory and eating disorders. This is a subject that I know fairly well, but still, I find myself questioning all that I do and write. Are my findings ridiculously and blindingly obvious? Have I pulled out the themes of substance or have I just located the ones I thought were right? There is no room or time for self-distrust when in order to write a piece of substance, I must trust that the issues I discuss are real.
There is a hell of a responsibility that falls hand in hand with research. I am under no illusions that life is not anything more than us taking responsibility for who we are and what we do... But this dissertation is the final hurdle of my degree and I've never written something that has so much attached to it. Perhaps I am currently living in a warped third-year-view-of-life, but I do believe that this piece of work carries weight. I have proposed and planned my research, I have written interviews, sourced participants, been lucky enough to meet some incredible people and hear their views and stories. I have then analysed and pulled out themes which I have to trust myself are real meaningful themes and not just my self-perceived themes of importance. There's the responsibility, and here is where self-trust is required. I think a sense of creativity is needed, in that the mind must allow room for flexibility and discussion and free-flowing ideas. This open-mindedness is as much applied to life as it is to our work. If you begin research with the same thoughts that you end it with, perhaps that's all it was, but I'd be questioning whether there was more. And then if there is more - who's to say it's 'right'? No one but you. There are in fact, no rights or wrongs, but oh, the responsibility.
Loneliness... 'no one but you' - That's not entirely true, I have friends and a great supervisor, and I feel grateful for that support. But it's ultimately down to my own better judgement and my ability to think freely, yet concisely and critically. And ultimately, it is me, myself, and I, sat alone with music and cups of coffee (or wine) and many documents for my many chapters, attempting to find the wood for the trees. But it is my own wood, and my own trees. And therefore, it can be quite a lonely process. For one who enjoys my own company, that's a rather meaningful statement to make! I guess it is what it is, which really is OK. It has to be. It is all what I choose to make it. I am by no means in a lonely place, but this process is lonely.
I suppose it's also about balance, and time, and work-life-priorities. My life is filled with more things that it ever has been, yet in order to work at peak level, we must be rested and refreshed and not entirely consumed. In order to see the wood from the trees, the only way to see the bigger picture is to step back once in a while. How can we see the world if we're sat inside the house in the safety of our bedrooms? We can't... Such a thing is physically impossible. We must do what that insane but pretty courageous Austrian man, Felix Baumgartner did. OK, I wouldn't advocate free-falling at 843.6mph down to earth with nothing more than a parachute between living and dying, but the concept of standing in a removed position with an open mind and taking in the view is perhaps more appropriate and achievable for us mere human beings!
Thursday, 18 April 2013
Portraits and parties
Free flowing drinks, wonderful entertainment, good friends, beautiful venue...
Lots of models, model bookers, clients, and creatives celebrated the launch of the agency's new book which features the work of all the Boss creatives. It is a beautiful book filled with some beautiful collaborations. I worked with a really wonderful little team a few months ago for the set of 'Portrait' images that are now in the said 'Book'.
I was actually a little hesitant about going to the party - life has been so hectic lately, but staying true to my personal values and my 'yes man' commitment, I ran straight from dissertation supervision at Uni over to the train station and across to Manchester on the train with Zana. I am so pleased I did. I know my life tends to sometimes unfold miraculously in two (and sometimes more) simultaneous co-existing paths, but I've worked hard at making them fit together and I am pleased they do. I have created my 'balance'. There are so many people from all aspects of my life that I adore... It's good to embrace it all.
To say I feel refreshed today would be perhaps a little over-ambitious. I had a 9am lecture followed by more train journeys and castings after what must have been less than three hours sleep and I-don't-know-how-many glasses of prosecco.
Here are our 'Portrait' shots from the Book, with myself, Graeme Cooper and Rebecca Cawthra.
Lots of models, model bookers, clients, and creatives celebrated the launch of the agency's new book which features the work of all the Boss creatives. It is a beautiful book filled with some beautiful collaborations. I worked with a really wonderful little team a few months ago for the set of 'Portrait' images that are now in the said 'Book'.
I was actually a little hesitant about going to the party - life has been so hectic lately, but staying true to my personal values and my 'yes man' commitment, I ran straight from dissertation supervision at Uni over to the train station and across to Manchester on the train with Zana. I am so pleased I did. I know my life tends to sometimes unfold miraculously in two (and sometimes more) simultaneous co-existing paths, but I've worked hard at making them fit together and I am pleased they do. I have created my 'balance'. There are so many people from all aspects of my life that I adore... It's good to embrace it all.
To say I feel refreshed today would be perhaps a little over-ambitious. I had a 9am lecture followed by more train journeys and castings after what must have been less than three hours sleep and I-don't-know-how-many glasses of prosecco.
Here are our 'Portrait' shots from the Book, with myself, Graeme Cooper and Rebecca Cawthra.
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