Change is good: 810 miles and a lot of talk about 'change'

It's been around 2 months since the last blog post. That sounds rather confessional - it isn't intended to be. But it does feel a bit odd. This blog is in it's 6th year now and I've gone from writing a lot (I mean a lot.... sometimes a good few times a week, sometimes even twice in one day) to now, being 5 months into the year and only posting 3 times (this is the 4th). I'm not sure what this says really, apart from that things are changing significantly - and for somebody who has a rather ambivalent relationship with the concept of change, this is exciting and daunting. I'm sticking with exciting. Change is good.

The past couple of months have been a little adventurous. The universe continues to show me that it is indeed smart and unpredictable. Had my birthday, started a new job, got my mind a little blown with another job offer that I thought I had lost all chances of getting, drove a grand total of around 810 miles in the space of less than a week down the country and along the coast to see some friends and take a breather (I did just calculate that mileage....), done a couple of modelling jobs even though I keep saying I have retired (yup, at 27 I can retire as a model....). I am learning, largely from other people's confused responses when I inform them that I am not modelling any more, that apparently I like to be selective and it is not entirely true that I have stopped modelling. I am just taking decisions into my own hands and of course, I've realised I do actually have a blast when with a team who create that sort of environment and foster a culture of respect. Who'd believe it; respect and positive, empowering relationships are important at work!!

So even with embracing change and making some pretty big and exciting decisions about the next few years of my life, I took some time out of my research and have finally dipped my toes back into the water. Well, no - I have plunged my whole body right back into the ocean and every time I sit down at my computer I feel like I 'should' be writing up my MSc and not writing a blog post. I do love this blog, but everything I write for my MSc is scrutinised under a magnifying glass with a fine tooth-comb, and I am on a very limited time-frame. It takes time. It can't be done with a glass of wine whilst multi-tasking and responding to emails. Well it can, but there would be very little point. So I have indeed taken the plunge and I don't think I'll come back up for air until after research interviews are done and transcribed and data analysis is completed - in fact, I don't think I'll come up for air until the whole project is written up. It's going to be a mad stage. But that is perfectly fine - nothing in life is 'sensible' these days, so madness fits right in. Have made the active choice to embrace change and madness in equal measures.

Let's hope I don't wait another couple of months before posting again. If I do, it's because my A Level students have finally cracked under the pressure.... In fact, they are all holding up spectacularly well, despite an education system that is well and truly designed to test them to their limits and beyond (not just academic limits - seriously it is designed to push them emotionally because the bar is set at ridiculous heights and we live in a horrific outcomes-driven culture). Or it will be because I, myself, have cracked under my MSc or under the papers about ethical and participatory research with children. There's a hefty pile on our dining room table just sat waiting for me to consolidate all the information I'm processing and then put into coherent words in my methodology chapter. Perhaps wine is necessary after all...

Here's a couple of my favourite pictures from Bournemouth. Thank you so much Viv and Scott for being such wonderful hosts!

How and why?

So when it's 1am on a Saturday night (Sunday morning), you're on the sofa, Brene Brown and Gloria Steinem books surround your two empty wine glasses (yes I've had white AND red), and you're reading those articles that mindlessly fly around the internet, such as 'Why some people stay stuck and others change their lives', you know that perhaps something needs to change. In fact, since my research supervisors are telling me I should write more concisely, with purpose, I can remove the word 'perhaps' and also 'you know that'. That leaves 'something needs to change'. I won't go into how much I've said this over the past year or so, and that much has changed whilst so much has remained stagnant too. That is another point for another day...

My guilt at seeming lazy is tapping into my brain now, and I need to reassure you that no, I don't spend every night on the sofa; this is a very rare occasion. It's lovely because I've been out of action for the past couple of days (health reasons..) and so have been sleeping a lot. So I'm not so tired and can afford this time, apparently not guilt-free though, on the sofa. I can't read any more, so I wrote in my anonymous blog and then felt I might actually write in this one. Yes - guilt taps in once more. Isn't it a powerful thing..

Anyway, so here I am. I wrote in my anonymous blog about a particular thing that happened this week; I pushed and I think I let a rather wonderful opportunity slip me by because either a) genuinely legitimate issues around scheduling and timing, or b) my own fear of change and fear of failure. I know which I think it is. Perhaps this is the thing that needs to change.

This particular article advises the reader to ask 'how', instead of 'why'. It then, with an optimistic tone, sets the reader to the challenge of changing their life for the better. Now I prefer the article a friend sent me, which was more about motivation and purpose; working out  why we do what we do, and why we choose not to do certain things. Why do we prioritise some things over others? If we can work out the purpose and driving force behind our actions and desires, then we are more likely to make these things happen. Apparently this is key to finding motivation to make things change (according to some internet author...) BUT this is theoretical too, not just mumbo-jumbo words. This makes sense; purpose is part of how we survive. It's existential and also part of our connection to something deeper than surface level stuff. So maybe it isn't about asking 'how'. Maybe the 'why' is most important. Maybe patience, too, is key. And bottling up the fear and throwing it out to sea.

Insects and Plan B

The title of this post is a little misleading. It is actually very misleading. It is because I have been spending some of today writing (or attempting to write) my literature review chapter. I should probably correct that even more - when I say 'some of today', I mean between 8-9am, and between 7-now, I have been with my papers and notes and documents of many notes and bullet points and half written paragraphs in a structure that will be unrecognisable by the time I am finished. BUT, at least I have made a start, and, in at least one area in my life, I am on target. One small victory to me.

The reason I have entitled this post 'insects' is really for no other reason but to try to get it out of my head. I am writing a literature review section on the impact of trauma on brain development and attachment functioning for young children - or, if you're me, you write about why you're NOT writing about that (AKA distress shouldn't be medicalised and we are MORE than that). In the literature, some people refer to young children as 'infants'. So, of course each time I turn to my keyboard to write 'infants', I inevitably write 'young insects'. Apart from that time I wrote 'insencts'. I really have a case of brain mush today. It makes me entertained to say the least. Perhaps on par with my email I sent out earlier - where I clicked 'reply all' to all my colleagues when intending to write about 'exam invigilation' I actually typed 'exam invigoration'. Safe to say my brain-type co-ordination isn't on top form today. I almost don't care. It's nice to have something stupid to have a giggle at on my own. 

I really am not writing in here very often these days. It means I end up writing about insects - seriously not an interesting topic for me. Since I seem to spend most days ridiculously busy, time seems to be so precious. Each year I think I understand what busy feels like and when the next year comes I am certain that I was fooled and mistaken and that I did not realise how fortunate I was. The thought crosses my mind often to pack things in and stand in front of the camera most days. At least that way there are only emails to respond to and if you don't respond then it's known that you are busy and you'll either be called or they can wait. I don't think I want the responsibility of ensuring I have 32-24-34 measurements or having those measurements be the sole determiner of my monthly income. BUT I do for sure feel I could do with a couple of months away from the things and people that unfortunately reality is throwing at me. Last weekend I took a trip to Amsterdam and found my brain totally pre-occupied with research and applications. I was also eyeing up apartments with balconies that I could live in in my alternative life that I have all mapped out. My Plan B perhaps. Needless to say, I am pretty sure it should become a Plan A.

Anyway, no modelling for now. For now, it's random trips to Amsterdam because apparently that's the way to deal with the unpredictability of life (on a rocky boat too...). I learnt I am really good with motion and sleeping anywhere I lay my head when I am tired. But then again I learnt that when I lived in a top floor apartment in Osaka in a bed that had no bedding and an apartment that had no air-con in the middle of summer. I also learnt I can write research proposals whilst drinking a bottle of wine on a big ship in the middle of the ocean when there is a storm. Also for now, I am in my 7th week of becoming a vegan. I say 'becoming' because it's sort of a transition and am not sure if it will stay or if I will decide it isn't for me. But for once I am doing it properly and not using it as another excuse to get/maintain the 32-24-34. I sometimes find myself late at night night watching upsetting videos about the dairy and meat industry, which aren't so pleasurable and they lead me to wondering, how, in my angry vegan state I can become an activist.. for animal rights, for women's rights, for gender equality, liberation, against sexism and ageism, etc... Often these aren't even the things I'm angry about but mostly they are very much underpinning. Perhaps in my alternative life when I get my 2 apartments in Amsterdam and of course Barcelona. Barcelona for the summer and Amsterdam for the winter. Totally sorted. Who needs a PhD. 

Anyway, I have been unwell so I am not drinking wine. It's also a school-night. But here's a cheers to my alternative life and to whoever wishes to join me.
A few pictures of the Dam:

Being seen

We are a couple of weeks into the new year now and I have gradually transitioned back to work and life. For the first time in my working (and student) life, I actually took a solid two-week break over Christmas. No work, no laptop, no emails (OK, a few emails - but more for personal/career progression reasons than strictly work related). I spent time with family, did some travelling to the coasts - yes, plural. Northern and South-Eastern coasts. I also spent time with good friends and time trying to work out what is next in my career. It seems that options are freeing and liberating but the old existential truth in freedom and choice is the fear and anxiety that inherently presents itself as soon as we realise we, alone, are solely responsible for our own outcomes. 

I have been reading some Brene Brown, as I sometimes do. She writes, near to the beginning of her 'Daring Greatly' book, that 'what we know matters, but who we are matters more. Being, rather than knowing, requires showing up and letting ourselves be seen'. There is something about women empowering women to not shrink into themselves and not not to make themselves smaller to accommodate for powerful 'others' who dominate and eclipse our own needs and undermine our worth (that is indeed a Shonda reference). But there is something more about encouraging each other to 'show up' - to let ourselves be seen. Although this does bring me to another point, but I won't go into the structural stuff around the boundaries and barriers we face as a product of the structures we live in. As a women, as a young women, regardless of skills, qualifications, knowledge and experience, purely as a women in her 20s, it seems there are additional mountains to move and additional structures in society that serve to determine a set of assumptions and judgements regarding our capabilities and worth. It is curious, I get stuck between anger and rage, disillusionment and naivety, solitude, and then a big 'screw this' attitude, whereby I book last minute weekends in Amsterdam (I did do this... AND am pleased I did) or I blast out the abstract for the seminar session I'm doing next month that I can surely convince myself I 'do not belong' in. Funny, these messages we pick up along the way.

Anyway, Happy belated new year to all... I figured as my break consisted of plenty of people, wine, and the sea, I'd post (more) pictures of the coast..

Take a moment and ask yourself what is really important?

A brief Christmas post... it is a ridiculous time in the evening, but I suppose this is what happens when we reach what has become better known as 'no man's land' this year. Thanks to my Uni friends for naming this period 'no man's land'! We re-named it as we decided this would be a brilliant time to arrange our Christmas meet-up. This was, until York became a partial under-water city and nature once more demonstrated just how powerful it is and flooding has taken over much of the city. It has been very sad to see what has happened; York has become my home and a place that I love dearly so to see so many people here (and in many other places in the North) lose so much is hard to see. However, of course it is so heartening to see the spirit of the city rise above to do what it can to support those who have not been fortunate. 

So, no man's land became truly a no-man's land and our meet-up has been postponed. This really is an odd week because it is the week I lose track of the days, the time, sleeping patterns become not what they usually are, I eat all kinds of food that I don't usually eat. I drink wine every (yes....) every night... And for some ungodly reason I have even put my work down for a week and a half. I have still been doing a few emails, writing a few applications, etc, but my work... my research, the thing I needed to spend time on.... Well I haven't opened a single article page or a single document. I actually feel good about this, but it does need to change rather soon unless I want to play serious catch-up in the New Year.

I do indeed have a very good reason for taking this time off because I have been home to visit family and we also adventured down to the South-East in Kent to see my Grandparents for a brief visit. I don't spend too much time with my family lately; my brother is in Australia, my mother works as much, if not more than I do (I do come from a family of very strong females but we also don't know how to stop working!) and I am lucky if my sisters come to visit once a month. Over this break, I noticed that sometimes I started to do what my Nan sometimes does (this really off-putting thing where she just stares at you....). I started just looking at people and taking them in and think I semi-understood a bit of why my Nan might do this. This is really what Christmas is about for me. Not cryptically staring at dearly-loved family members around the dinner table, but just embracing spending time with them.

Of course whilst we were away we also took a trip to the coast to take stock and take in the moments. This trip was largely planned by myself... But I made a promise to myself that this coming year that I will make more of an effort to take myself to the coast whenever I can. I will actually just make more of an effort this year, for myself. This is not to say that I do not usually make efforts. I do in fact make great efforts each day to maintain my life, my friendships, my jobs, my house, etc... But I don't mean the efforts of maintaining, I mean the effort it takes to initiate real change; to not to become trapped or attached, to be bold and make change happen. To say yes to more things, to take more risks, to make this the year that I actively stop putting limits and boundaries around what I 'can' and 'cannot' do, and accept that once I let the limitations go, there will be more choice and although change means leaving things behind, the road less travelled is the one I need to try. Seriously, the beach and the sea-air makes for some powerful reflective time.

This may well be the last post of 2015. Although now I write this, I will most likely take to writing another tomorrow!


'At least three times every day take a moment and ask yourself what is really important.
Have the wisdom and the courage to build your life around your answer.'
- Lee Jampolsky

Half-written address

As always, I have been intending to write here all week but goodness knows, anything and everything  under the sun keeps getting in the way. In fact, these things are getting in the way of general straight-thinking in my mind. It is a good job it's Friday. I came home, had a couple of glasses of wine, wrapped another Christmas present, and now I am finally heading to bed I remembered the mistake I think (?) I made earlier today. Now my memory is bad at the best of times, but I do really believe I did this. Yesterday I was impressed with my organisational skills and purchased a pack of Christmas cards. Last night I am certain I wrote one for my Grandparents and put one of my framed graduation pictures in the package too and then taped up the package to send down to Kent. I know my Grandparents' address better than I could tell you any one of the addresses I lived in growing up. So did not have to check this, just had to write it. Although as my memory is bad, I wrote half the street name and stopped so I could check later, and then wrote half the post-code and could not remember the rest. I made a mental note to check this later. But of course, later never came and I do believe I posted it off today with the others, to a half-written address.... A great shame, as I do not have a spare picture and I wanted my Nan to receive my mail for Christmas. I might now have to write a second one and feel very sad that the picture most likely won't make it to the desired destination....

So this is a small example of the state of my brain this week. Of course I posted a card with a half-written address. Of course it won't reach Kent, and of course I have been silly and careless!

I have not been intending to tell this story but on another note, I have indeed been meaning to share some pictures from our trip to the coast last weekend. Kirsty and I drove up to Saltburn, picnic and boots and coats in the car, and it was rather liberating. As my writing might imply, it is a testing time right now and there is really nothing better than blowing the cobwebs away and finding some peace. Despite my carelessness and the particular parts of life and work that are unavoidable, the trip was a fabulous way to re-ground...

What more?

I'm writing from our loft - the coldest room in our house when the heating is off but the warmest (and best) room in our house when the heating is on. Fortunately our heating has been on all day and therefore I have been residing at my desk at the top of our house. This is a pretty good Sunday for me - yes my desk, yes my work, but believe it or not I enjoy doing this in my own space and at my own pace. A good Sunday! Although next Sunday I am hoping to get to the coast... I think that will be an even better Sunday and balance might truly be restored. But for now, for today, it was good - I expected this weekend to be somewhat of a car crash considering all that's happened this week but I have taken myself by surprise, faced the storm, and I am still going. The past week doesn't even have a suitable adjective to describe it - We welcomed in December and now our house has a Christmas tree and more candles and we're playing Christmas songs at any given opportunity. It is quite lovely actually, and we welcomed the month in with mulled wine and mince pies. Really lovely... There have been some really wonderful moments with some wonderful people. But given particular things, it has been 'one of those' weeks. I can't write much more, other than you know when the universe gives you messages that something needs to change... My writing is cryptic here but I think this message is rather pertinent, and therefore I have been working out what I need to do and how to respond. This means putting all the time and energy into other things - everything and anything else, apart from my own research. And actually that is a bit of a shame....

Last week I tried something new and went to a Tai Chi class. I learnt about Chinese Yoga, ribbons, lion's breath (although I think in Tai Chi they call it 'bear's breath!) and also learnt a lot about the teacher's personal life... It was a bizarre experience but actually one that I took some learning from. That learning included some more messages that I needed to hear. They have this philosophy that really fits - especially if facing battles or trying to initiate change. I was reminded quite wonderfully that our most forceful and powerful strength is in our softness (try it next time you are doing an arm wrestle or trying to open that jar that just won't open!). Stop trying, just relax and move, and you will find that your strength is astounding. It is so much more that we think it is... WE are stronger than we think we are. I have been carrying that with me for these past couple of weeks and not doing much different but just knowing. The lesson that stems from this one is that keeping anchored to the ground and staying centred will keep us from falling to the ground... If you push at something with all of your force, inevitably it will fall and if your whole body is pressed against it, your body will also fall to the ground. Try it... and try again just using the parts you need to use. Your strength is more powerful that way, and you keep centred at the same time. You remain balanced and upright.

This is the third weekend that I have told myself that I must get back into doing some yoga, and it has truly been good. Strong body, strong mind.. I think this is fundamentally important... The week truly has been bizarre - there is only so much yoga can fix. But it is balance - even though I have had a few emails and meetings and conversations this week that I would rather have not had (some not my choice...) and it has seemed that lots of these things all come at once, I still found good. I even managed to take some time out for the cinema this evening and spent Friday evening with an old friend, a very good friend, and an inspirational woman. It is quite wonderful how paths come together and move apart and then come together again. Anyway, despite the storm (literally, there has been a storm!) I have finally re-submitted my ethics proposal form to the board with clarifications, as well as firing off a good few other emails to various people about various missions and plans... It is truly time to make some changes, and change does not happen easily, particularly when time is precious and days roll into one and perhaps most importantly, change means taking risks and letting go of the familiar. Even if it isn't serving us well it is still not an easy task. It is about making it a priority - making my life and my choices a priority. Not many of us say that.... But I think many of us would feel a lot more complete if we did!