Saturday, 6 August 2016

Post-Barcelona, life is changing.

It's Saturday evening, I wanted to write a blog post - wasn't quite sure what I wanted to write but decided to log in and write anyway. I have been back in the UK since Monday morning, went to officially start my new job in Northampton, and then came back home properly on Tuesday. I think my sisters were laughing at me for the entire journey back to England because of how much I was freaking out that our flight would be delayed or our taxi driver would be late! Fortunately all was fine in the end. I could easily go back to Spain tomorrow - and I am pretty sure I still might as well be living in Spanish time. It's gone 11pm and I have only just eaten dinner (consisting of lots of random green stuff from the fridge) and I have a glass of red wine in hand.

I miss Barcelona a lot... It was so wonderful to go this time, with the only agenda to have a holiday. The first time I went to Barcelona was on a modelling job, the second time it was to live there and model, the third time was a long weekend with friends, fourth time was last year. I lived there for a month last year, intended to model and write my practice file, I ended up maybe doing one shoot, not wanting to model any more and spending the days walking for miles on end, exploring beaches and then coming back in the evening to write my practice file until the early hours of the mornings. I was fortunate to have jobs that allowed me to do that, to have tutors who supported me in writing that practice file (that word still fills me with a little anxiety!) and to have friends who understood my need for space but also their company (yes - biggest contradiction I know). The bigger point is that I am fortunate enough to know Barcelona pretty well and to feel that it is home (one of my homes anyway..)

Barcelona was different this time - I didn't go with a modelling portfolio in bag, casting clothes and heels. I went with a pile of books and clothes and that was it (ah, and also my dearest sister and a visit from a very good friend and our other sister). It was good to go with no real intention of work. That hasn't ever been my experience - even modelling. To know that each day you have to be measured like you're some kind of mannequin or wear some clothes on a casting or shoot that are probably not going to be your size - too big or too small but never actually fit. And yup, you guessed it - it's always YOU that's wrong. Always you and your body, never the clothes. Or worst of all you are told that it's a lingerie casting and you're asked to bring a bikini... Goodbye dinner plans for the evening and that extra glass of wine. I am pretty sure not many people can relax knowing that your body will always be up for viewing and judgement and it will probably never be enough. No fun. (in fact, very much not fun - not for this post though). This time I did go with the intention of doing a little work on my Masters but needless to say that didn't happen. Lack of work meant that this weird sense of fleeting guilt stayed with me for most of the trip but then in our last few days I just let that go. It had to go really... we had mountains to hike and paths to walk and new places to find. I've come back home and in 4 days I've got more done than I probably could have done in two whole weeks if I didn't take the break. Lesson learnt. Time-Off-Work-Guilt serves no purpose (usually...) and breaks are good.

Anyway, back and living in the grad centre but that's OK for now. I want to make the most of my last month in York because from the end of the month I will be moving to Northampton to start a new job and start my PhD. Exciting and very scary. It is funny thinking about the conversations I've had with good friends about leaving. It gets to a certain point and then I strategically move to this place of denial about how sad it will be to say goodbye to York and those I love. Onwards and upwards, new adventures. But still - leaving what's been home for six years is an odd feeling. Especially when 'home' is an odd concept in itself. Change is good - this is what I am telling myself anyway! A good friend (Anna you won't mind me writing this) who is also moving to a new city soon, reminded me that part of the adventure is getting to know new people and new places. This was a timely reminder :)

Fortunate and happy - and pleased that it is Saturday evening and I am not in the grad centre!!