Sunday, 27 February 2011

Hair therapy

If all in life fails, Anna Poberezny's hair therapy does wonders.

This weekend was just perfect. Anna and I, York, shopping, coffee, vegetables, and films.

Anna is like a little precious gem. Or something with a similar meaning. She has such a lovely soul and all the wonders of the world waiting infront of her and I do believe it's only a matter of time before she realises just how precious she is.

We had a very relaxing weekend, which was needed for both of us. I don't think either of us have been having a particularly easy time recently but we do our best to hold it together. It is just nice to take a couple of days 'out of reality' and wander mindlessly through the streets of York, reading books, drinking coffee, and chatting about some kind of madness that we both seem to understand as vaguely normal. While 'flobbing together', I actually had fun. We laughed - at inappropriate jokes. I seem to remember a reference to a courgette. And we discovered some new books that are on the 'to-read' list. Very excited to go amazon shopping later tonight. I am in a considerably better mood tonight than I was a few nights ago.. Which can only be a good thing!

Another side note, which I feel needs a mention because it is on my mind, is how much I am missing certain old friends. I wish we didn't have to just drift apart from those closest to us. I hate how it is almost expected that good friends don't last. Why shouldn't they? Do we really have to lose trust and contact with a person who has impacted our lives so much? It makes me sad to think that we anticipate and then accept that as the norm now.

Tomorrow should be a productive day. Uni and work placement. Nice and productive!

Latin lover

This new narrative editorial for Marie Claire Italia is beautiful. The early twentieth century style is inspired by Mexican painter Frida Khalo, whose work I have never really thought too highly of, but after seeing these new images I can appreciate her paintings much more. Her paintings are quite cultured and surrealist. I can really see her Mexican strength and passion but the most likely reason as to why I adore this story is because although vibrancy is there, there is also subtle femininity which I am always drawn to.

A lot of her paintings are self portraits and when asked about this, she said, 'I paint myself because I am so often alone and because I am the subject I know best. I never paint dreams or nightmares. I paint my own reality.'

This suggests that she was quite a troubled person.. I find it ironic that sometimes the most wonderful pieces of art are produced from a mind that is so corrupt and broken.

Friday, 25 February 2011

Is it Friday?

Today feels somewhat like a Friday, rather than a Thursday. I really do not know where my head is this week. I spent all day at uni today. Although I doubt I should have been there, because I cannot remember a single thing we did.

I prioritised today, deciding to put uni before work - therefore saying no to a job filming the new Next TV ad. I don't mind, but I miss the other Next models. I spent all day wishing I was down there with them because I know that seeing them and spending all day filming would have been the best distraction and a wonderful break away from home. Like I always say, I hold a place in my heart for some of those people and I do miss them a lot. Today it was difficult to understand, why I was here and not there.

Must trust my own decisions.

On the other hand, I know it has not been the best of weeks, but I owe more than words can explain to the lovely John, who I spent yesterday with. When someone take the time out to listen and accept you just the way you are means a hell of a lot. It doesn't take any problems away. Hugs are not the ultimate cure for all life's downfalls. But it does take an incredibly special person to help you find a sense of belonging and a slight essence of who you are. I wish I could voice my appreciation in a better way - but I'm not very good at that.

'People have a habit of inventing fictions they will believe wholeheartedly in order to ignore the truth they cannot accept'
The Sweet Far Thing, Libba Bray

Monday, 21 February 2011

Beauty meets nature

Just came across these refreshingly stunning images of IMG model Samantha Gradoville for Pop S/S 2011. I absolutely adore the first shot. I think it's the simplistic quality that really makes it, along with of course the contrast of the strong femininity and the calming quality of the animals and nature. It's been a bit of a rough day but appreciating the beauty in pictures like these really helps me see the good in the world.


Sunday, 20 February 2011


'You'd know, how the time flies.
Only yesterday, was the time of our lives.
We were born and raised in a summer haze.
Bound by the surprise of our glory days.'

I feel very blank today. So this is what I typically do when I feel nothing - listen to music so I am able to feel something. Something real, a very real feeling. But something that give me a reason to feel sad, so I can understand why I feel this sadness instead of feeling hopeless and not even knowing why.
Maybe not many people will fully understand this feeling of complete and utter worthlessness and emptiness. A sadness that is kind of beyond the norm. Usual sadness means a few tears.. A hug better.. A drink and comforting chat with a good friend. But this kind of sadness is a more complex one. It's pure. Not the kind that can be cured in the space of a day. Yes, a few pills may numb the feelings from time to time, but they don't go away. Not completely. Infact, it just makes it more unbearable when it comes back. 

I don't want sympathy, and I don't want to be noticed. I just do not want to throw away everything I have been working on purely because I'm not strong enough to handle my life. I need to get myself out of this strange mind set and back into the real world.

Saturday, 19 February 2011


I usually have a vague plan of what I'll write about but I haven't really thought ahead with this one tonight. Today has left me with so many thoughts, but I am not quite sure of how to write them down. It snowed today, which was highly surprising! Awoke this morning to a white sky filled with snow, and then drove over to Tollerton for a shoot at Burn Hall.

I had been looking forward to this day because of seeing friends and also working with John, who I haven't seen in a bloody long time. I enjoyed the day very much, although I have to admit, I am now shattered. I had used every last remaining morsel of energy in my body to attempt keeping myself warm, so I struggled a lot to keep up with the day. It seemed incredibly fast paced, and very very busy! It was great because I met a lot of lovely people and once again, learnt some new techniques from the people behind the camera rather than from my own experience as a model.

After spending a good few first hours shooting outdoors, I completely lost it. I feel like an idiot. I don't know how this happened but I just lost all control of my emotions and couldn't stop myself from crying. It was initially the coldness. I had become too cold to contain myself, it hurt to breathe, so I just cried. Also, it was probably me feeling overwhelmed with so many people, and my ridiculous self, feeling panicked with the lunch/food situation. Then the feeling overtook my mind that it had all become too much. Just too much. An insanely busy week left me with a strange mixture of emotions, and I suppose I felt so hopeless not being strong enough to manage today, that it broke me down. Like an idiot.

I am currently laying in bed, wrapped up, feeling too tired to even make myself some soup.
I just typed 'I want to curl up and die.' But then deleted the typing because I realised it's not the most positive way to end a post. But, the thought is pretty prominent.

If I break down over something so insignificant, maybe I am not as 'okay' as I seem to think.

Friday, 18 February 2011

A dreamy touch

Just before I sleep.. I have just been sidetracked with this incredible new Vogue Italia spread with Mellissa Tammerjin. These shots are breath-taking and quite fairy-tale/dream world. Just lovely!

Now, really. Sleep time.

Keeping up with my own life.

Keeping up with my own life is more difficult than it sounds.
I think this will be a very short and sweet update but I haven't posted for a good few days so I felt the need to do so before I attempt some sleep.

Last night I had the most horrific experience while drifting off to sleep. I must have been exhausted. It had been a busy day yesterday - morning in Manchester at the agency and then straight up to the uni library to get some books out and get my head into work. Then home and awake quite late preparing for today's seminar (assessment, run by myself a couple of others). So, back to the point. I was very much awake but my body was too tired to stay awake. I was laying on my bed, eyes closed and the most vivid scenes happened in my mind. Like nightmares, but terrifyingly realistic. Oh my goodness, I had to completely shake myself out of them just for a reminder of reality. Horrible experience.

I am very relieved today has come to an end. Uni seemed to last forever and a day. I always forget how much energy just brain power alone uses. I wish I could sleep for weeks but I have to get up early again tomorrow morning for a rather exciting casting. Then an actual job in the afternoon - a lookbook shoot I think.

Emotionally and physically drained.

I wish I could love myself enough to allow my body what it so desperately needs, but that feels near to impossible these days. I find that I can have all the good intentions in the world, but what if my mind has 'intentions' of it's own? The mind is such an overpowering influence, that the boundaries are blurred between my logical self and my irrational mind. That's when it crosses into dangerous territory. Possibly even worse when I acknowledge this but I don't think I care enough to make any changes. I want to care.. Of course I do. I think so damn much about this.

Maybe I just need more time to think? Thinking is also dangerous. Oh, I am absolutely rambling on and on. This is a very disjointed post. That's the word. I feel disjointed.

Sleep, I reckon

Tuesday, 15 February 2011

Happy birthday Moor, and a Valentines update.

It is not actually Moor's birthday yet. It's on 17th, which is Thursday but she came home back up north for the weekend to celebrate with us. We had planned a meal out and some drinks afterwards. Very relaxed and plenty of space to catch up over lovely food and drinks, give gifts, and spy the handsome waiters! There was Moor, Kate, Mark, and myself. It wasn't my birthday, however I still felt as though it could have been because I had such a wonderful evening. It is nights like those that I am reminded just how important friends are.

Also, I don't remember the last time I enjoyed a meal out. This time was different. Perhaps it was the relaxed atmosphere, or the fabulous company, but I felt comfortable eating in a restaurant for the first time in years. We ended the night by setting light to some Chinese lanterns and sending them off and away through the midnight sky. Just beautiful with beautiful people.

Today is valentines day. February 14th 2011. It is actually the 15th now, but that's only because it's rather late. Usually, valentines day is pretty insignificant for me. Infact, that still remains the same. It was only by logging onto facebook this morning that I realisd yes.. it is indeed valentines day. Society somehow feels the need to name a day after St Valentine in order to remind themselves of who they love, and to show their unconditional adoration and love with showers of flowers, chocolate, and wine. I refuse to believe that true love can only be shown on this one meer day of the year. So yes, the concept is lovely. But come on.. If you love someone, you love them - Valentines day or no valentines day. But hey, what do I know? I am the first to admit my terrible knowledge and understanding of relationships and love.

This evening, my mother and myself went down to Manchester to the launch of Steve Huison's art exhibition. We absolutely enjoyed this evening and felt incredibly lucky to view his work first hand. Steve is not only such a caring and positive soul, but he uses his endless talents so well, in order to help others. A real inspiration.

New shots

From a test last month with photographer Sophie Kutay.

Sunday, 13 February 2011

Show time.

I haven't posted on here for a good few days now. Things have been none stop all week, but I finally have a weekend of relaxation and catching up with my own thoughts. Much needed.

A couple of days ago, I did the beautiful Spring 2011 show for Harvey Nichols. Shows are days of madness, fuelled by adrenaline and champagne. Here's a few shots.

Wednesday, 9 February 2011

The world is not simple.

'No single truth is ever sufficient, because the world is not simple. Any truth separated from its complementary truth is a half-truth. It is in the union of partial truths, that we glimpse the larger reality.'
 Pascal .

Obviously I am struggling to focus on my uni work. I am researching into the topic of 'What is a religious experience?' in particular, the question, 'Can/should the social psychologist of religion be ‘neutral’ about the existence of God? Why?'

For some reason, my brain is not functioning tonight. However, I came across this quote and it made me stop and think for a while. I didn't even realise it meant that much to me until I snapped out of my train of thought and decided I should really continue with this research. I don't want to lose this thought entirely. So.. Just making a note of it here :)


I have just come across the new editorial with Jessica Stam for the cover of Wonderland. These are some of my favourite at the moment. Slightly seventies glam but still an element of pure beauty. I must admit I am a little envious because Jessica is perfectly stunning. I really love the fur in the styling of the first shot.


Midnight stream of consciousness

'It's really a wonder that I haven't dropped all my ideals, because they seem so absurd and impossible to carry out. Yet I keep them, because in spite of everything, I still believe people are really good at heart.'
Anne Frank.

I am certainly reminded of myself here - purely because of the absurd ideals I hold and the continuous feeling of worthlessness when I am yet again proven to expect too much. A seemingly random thought to have running through my mind at this time. It's something my mother always reminds me of. 'Tan, you are a good person.. But you can't always expect people to treat you in the same manner.' My mother always offers words that I don't really want to hear, yet I know there is truth in them.

I grew up being taught to 'put others before yourself'. The intention, I'm sure, was to teach morality and selflessness to encourage my growth into a beautifully perfect being. Of course I grew up being lovely and polite and caring towards others, remaining very calm and passive myself. I didn't have a voice, and I didn't even once stop to consider other people's behaviour towards myself. Just continued to be a shining example, 'happily' ignoring the shit, because heaven forbid, should I even acknowledge the half of my home life, I would become sad. Sadness would mean perhaps attracting attention and loving care towards myself.. I did not deserve this. Goodness. How selfish of me to even consider that someone would ever stop to notice me and love me. This then embedded within me, the conditions of self worth - being that I am only a worthy person and deserving of love if I am selfless and think of others before considering myself. I must be kind to others. I must punish myself if I am not the best I can be. I am not worthy of love.

Just something that's been running through my mind over and over today. I needed to write about it, otherwise I have no hope of sleeping tonight. It's already 1am and I'm clearly not in the sleeping frame of mind.

I am actually very tired after a crazy day today. I began with a mammoth sized to-do list, which partly is lovely because I oddly enjoy lists. My entire life is managed through lists and schedules. However, it is still stressful because there is never enough hours in the day and the pressure is immense at times. My diary is so useful because without each day's schedule written down in black and white, I would probably lose sense of where I am and what I'm doing next. I like to feel organised and in control. Oh, it seems to fit well but I dislike that word 'control'. The term is used so loosely and has many assumptions attached to it, especially with the professionals and specialists who think they know so well. 

'You see.. You have a tendency to use food and weight as a means to control a life that otherwise feels very out of control.'

Oh, really? Well thank you for that ever so thoughtful insight. I am now cured, obviously. Your years of training, learning, and dedication have paid off. Thank you. You clearly understand my mind better than I do myself. I will go and live happily ever after now.

My mood has been at all extremes today. It's kind of exhausting. I already have a lot of uni work....

Sunday, 6 February 2011

Oh, to fly away..

Today has been very relaxed. I went to see The King's Speech. A film with Colin Firth, Helen Bonham Carter, and Geoffrey Rush is bound to be a fantastic one, and it met every single high expectation I held.
I actually found myself quite emotional while watching it, and my absolute love for Colin Firth has been reinforced. The man is a fantastic actor and manages to always portray such honest roles.

You are getting up in my grill yo.

The past few days most definitely deserve a good old update. The ever so beautiful Lovely Katie came up to York on a trip to visit Anna and I. The combination of our three characters work just nicely together. You know how sometimes certain personality types just don't click and it can cause a little tension? Well it didn't feel like that in the slightest. In fact, it was a positively happy and relaxed few days together. We drank plenty of delicious beverages, some alcoholic, others hot and steamy! We of course indulged in shopping and movies, and late night chats regarding life, love, and the universe, and what 'being normal' could possibly mean.

I honestly enjoy the time I spend with these girls. They have such a positive influence on me, and a way of being that makes me feel okay about being myself. There must be a lot of trust I hold with them - the fact that purely being surrounded with their honesty and acceptance, allows me toxfd  

(I actually woke up this morning to find my self sleeping infront of this screen.. I would correct the spelling mistake and make it more coherant but it is rather amusing!)

My train of thought was along the lines of Katie and Anna being beautiful people and how I am feeling very content after my few days with them. I don't quite know where the word 'toxfd' fits in with that!

My work placement was supposed to be today but I re-arranged because I just fancied a day at home. It is currently 12.53pm and I am still very comfortably in my pyjamas and about to enjoy a bowl of hot porridge. Today will be a good day!

Saturday, 5 February 2011

Oysho Spring 2011

This is Bambi Northwood-Blyth in the Oysho Spring 2011 campaign. Ohh it just makes me crave summer.
I can not wait for the long summer days. There is something about the sun that seems to have an element of an anti-depressant.

'Toast' shoot with Kate Abbey

Wednesday, 2 February 2011

Hello university life.

This week marks the first week of semester two - back to uni. I have very mixed feelings about this, so I'm just planning on 'getting on with it', so they say. Christmas break has been a whirlwind of work and madness, with my feet barely touching the ground. This makes it incredibly difficult adjusting to uni life once more. I am lucky this semester though, because my timetable is very kind to me. Only two days a week. (they are both very full days!) But still - that leaves me the rest of the week to live.

I suppose it was a way of welcoming us back to our first lecture yesterday, but we were each asked a number of questions which we were expected to share with the rest of the class. One of those questions being, 'what are you most looking forward to this year?' Well, this question could potentially provoke a lot of thoughtful answers. So I sat there, casually, and thought to myself.. What am I most looking forward to this year? It is actually a tough one to answer because we don't know what's ahead of us this year! How can I pinpoint a time and place that I most anticipate when my life is so unpredictable and spontaneous that I genuinely couldn't tell you what I will be doing in two week's time, never mind in six months.

Following some consideration, I realised that actually, the simple answer would be 'everything'. I don't care how naive and possibly false that may seem, but that is how I feel. There is not one single thing in my life that I don't look forward to. Of course the unknown is scary, the future is a little unpredictable, and I have no doubt that there will be days ahead in which I would find life much more bearable if I didn't exist. But in that mystery lies an overwhelming excitement. I am so incredibly lucky to be spending my life doing things I am passionate about. My eyes are constantly being opened up to a world of culture and possibilities that I have spent years running away from because I didn't feel I could ever possibly belong in a world so beautiful. I have never even really appreciated the beauty. I've admired it.. But I have a real taste of it now, and there's no looking back. 

There is so much I would love to achieve and there's so much I am capable of. I want to enjoy my life, appreciate the people around me, and embrace every single opportunity given to me. Considering the horrendous mood I've been in lately, I'm surprised by this outburst of positivity. This shows that even the most rotten of moods can produce some helpful thoughts.

'It is at night when perhaps we should be dreaming, that the mind is most clear, that we are most able to hold all our life in the palm'
- Aldiss

Tuesday, 1 February 2011

Viva magazine editorial

Few shots from this month's spread in Viva magazine. Harvey Nichols jewellery, shot by Tony Le-Britton. Notice the Alexander McQueen clutch - Simply lovely!