Thursday, 30 December 2010

The day becomes night.

And I have nothing better to say. 
Spaced out, dizzy and poorly. I'm out of ibuprofen and cocodamol and all kinds of medicine that are intended to make one feel better. I am even out of those small pills that I shouldn't take, so tomorrow will be spent adequately bloated.. I am very much not the signpost of health this evening. In fact I am quite appalled at how sick I look. Ha ha, not a sight any body would like to wake up beside in the morning, I can assure you of that.

Today's realisation is that there is still something strangely satisfying about having a pair of trousers become too loose around the hips. Hips hips hips. Any girls worst enemy, I am sure. However when your thinking pattern is as fucked up as my own, you begin to understand and question certain aspects of life and yourself with all self respect and love gone out of the window. I am aware I mentioned trousers becoming slightly too big, but what I mean is it's much deeper than a pair of bloody trousers and a hip measurement that may be a quarter of an inch smaller than last week. That doesn't really matter.

I am really not all here this evening, so I'm struggling to complete this blog.
I shall continue to drink my green tea with hot lemon and honey..

On another note..

I quite like my new hat


What a fabulous time to be poorly. The week between Christmas and New year.  I would like to welcome the rest and relaxation but somehow when it feels as though there's a razor blade cutting through your throat and your head is banging so much that there's no sense of concentration.. yes. I am sick.

I would say I'm feeling sorry for myself today but I hate to sound pathetic and wallow in self pity. So, I am not feeling sorry for myself. I am quite frustrated because there's too much work to be done this holidays and before actual work picks up again next week, I have to be well and get this mountain of uni work out of the way. It is difficult to do that though, when I'm laid in bed with two hot water bottles, a lot of layers, and a mug of hot lemon and honey.

If there's one thing that I do admittedly wrongly like about being ill, it's that I have a 'good enough' excuse not to eat. It is only these days when it's okay to feel weak and lie in bed and not eat. Feeling sick but hungry.

When rationally thought about, there is nothing to enjoy about feeling hungry. But I'm not back there again.

Wednesday, 29 December 2010

An Education.

Brys, Mum, Frankie and I had a cosy night in together and watched 'An Education'. I've not seen it before but totally surprised myself with how much I enjoyed it. It's a very rare moment in time when I can sit and watch a film from beginning to end without getting bored or distracted or obsessively checking the time..
But this one, I adore.
Carey Mulligan plays the lead actress and she is one breath-takingly beautiful lady. 
Above is when she graced the cover of Vogue in January 2010.
Absolutely beautiful.

Another thing I noted during the watching of the film, is the stunning wardrobe and styling! Eep. Very Audrey Hepburn in the 60's

Tuesday, 28 December 2010

Joyeux Noel one and all

I do hope that each and every one of my loved ones has had a fabulous Christmas just like they deserve.

My Christmas has been just okay I suppose. Family time, gifts, festive food, films, and cosy jumpers by the fire, Christmas dinner, cracking silly jokes, family games and enough food to feed the five thousand. My heart just felt a little empty and emotionless though. It seems quite silly and selfish because I really can't pinpoint any specific reason as to why, but that's just the way it goes. Things ran rather smoothly. I did what was expected of me - joined in with family fun and ate what my mother wanted me to eat.  I was 'normal'

I actually have nothing to complain about. Why am I so talented in always somehow finding something to moan about. Why can't I just be satisfied for once in my life? I really must figure out some new years resolutions that would allow me to enjoy life a little more and quit all this ridiculous carry-on that I seem to waste half my life on. I am twenty one years old. That is still young. When will I wake up and realise that life is too precious to waste away?

I would really like to have this new year bring a more social side of me out. I know that I enjoy seeing my friends and I know that I absolutely value and adore each and every one of my close friends. They each play a small part of making me who I am (or who I was?) So why am I so strangely set in my mind to try to avoid letting them see me? It seems very odd and very much like I am a person who is still stuck in a self destructive mode.

However, Christmas evening was rather lovely. As I mentioned in the last entry, it was enjoyable and although the huge crowds of people in town were difficult to deal with, the friends that I was with were much more important.

Also, I have been working working working all through Christmas, whether it's been uni work or actual work, or promotional work, I have been incredibly busy. I am taking a day off tomorrow.. This makes me a happy lady.
I shall sleep and wake to my body clock. I shall eat breakfast for once this holiday and I shall do a little uni work (I've totally finished the skills assignment. I will print it out after the mother has proof read it tomorrow and then it'll be all ready to hand in next time I'm in York.) Then I plan to continue the day with beginning my next essay and taking a trip into town to do some leisurely shopping. That will be perfect.
Gosh. That is just what I need
Good night x

Saturday, 25 December 2010

Glass of rose on Christmas Eve.

Work today was a drag.
Drinks this evening were fabulous. Lovely company and great wine :)
It lifted my spirits a lot, but I returned home to find something that made me feel incredibly sad and helpless. My little brother (I say little.. he is 18 and very much bigger than I am). Well, he had been patiently waiting until 2am for my father to visit. I knew Dad wouldn't show. I absolutely knew that without a doubt in my mind. But nothing I could have said would have convinced him otherwise.

Wonderful. It's incredibly difficult not to feel such an ugly bitterness but I refuse to let him have that power. Ironically, even thinking that makes me feel like a terrible person.

Christmas is for enjoying. Christmas = Love and family. 
And that's what it shall be

Thursday, 23 December 2010

Random thoughts at 2.40am.

'The best often die by their own hand just to get away, and those left behind can never quite understand why anybody would ever want to get away from them.' - Charles Bukowski

Well, this is moi. Wide awake at 2.40am clueless as to how I shall spend my time this evening/morning. 

The Charles Bukowski words are not as random as they may seem. They make perfect sense to me - me being a person who seems to always be searching for a way to escape. Escaping doesn't always mean death, although admittedly that is an option. Escapism is an attempt to get away from yourself, to free yourself from the crazy world we live in, or to get away from the inner demons and thoughts that refuse to leave your mind. Change of image, change of direction, change of heart.. Or perhaps distractions and dreams are a form of escapism. But it's not what we do, it's why we do it. Why do we go to such extremes just to get away from the very core of our being? I ask this because the answer is a mystery to me. When we find out exactly what we are trying to run away from, then maybe we will stop running and begin to accept, whatever that may be.

I have to be awake pretty early. Insomnia can be a bitch at times. There is so much in my mind that I wish I could get written down tonight but I can't quite find the words. I have spent the past couple of hours reading through an essay making changes and adding a few bits. It's no where near finished yet but it's getting there. 

I should probably sleep.

Tuesday, 21 December 2010

The Book.

The book is updated with pics from October (I think!) I can't wait to see more recent ones but that will be after new year. The book shall be on top form then. But for now, here's a few:

I am incredibly happy to have my book home with me. Currently I am sat in my room, listening to Radiohead and relaxing with my berry scented candles burning in the corner. I feel quite content this evening and if I do say so myself, I hope it stays this way. Well, content is a rather vague word actually. I say content because on the surface I am calm and collected, as if nothing can harm me because things are great, right?
Honestly I don't know the answer to that. I suppose I am okay today, but again.. Okay. What the hell is 'okay?'
I am absolutely numb to the world but I suppose that's better than feeling like shit.

Sunday, 19 December 2010

Bring him home.

Tonight is one of those nights where I have been hit with depression like a fucking tonne of bricks. No, not bricks. Great big boulders.
So I've turned to sad songs. Knowing damn well that those sad songs won't help in the slightest.
However I have come across one of my all time favourites. I am a self confessed musical fan and I absolutely adore Les Miserables.

In particular, one sung by Valjean, 'Bring Him Home'

It's absolutely beautifully sung and equally as beautifully written.

Who knew?

Wow. I'm struggling with where to begin.
I'm feeling somewhat in a good place today. I have been awake for hours but have remained comfortably in my pyjamas in bed and it's gone 12pm. Oops!

Friday was a fabulous day for me. It was proof that even if I wake up in a terrible mood, feeling rather depressed and very much like I want to cut myself off from the world - that actually if I push past that feeling and 'just get on with it' (I dislike that phrase!)But if I do try my very best to do what I have to do, despite feeling like death and that I do not want my existence to be acknowledged, then I can still let others help me have a much better day.

My appointment on Friday morning was one I was dreading a little. I am feeling positive about the sessions at the moment because wee are having a bit of a breakthrough. But there is also a certain sense of apprehension because I somehow feel unwanted there.. Like I can easily be passed onto someone else because even after a good few years, they still don't know how to 'fix' me. It seems like I'm at a standstill. And even they don't know which way I should go, so it's very difficult to please them and to do what's expected of me when my mind makes it impossible to do so. It frustrates me because there's something rather powerful stopping me making changes. Perhaps I am scared of myself? Maybe I don't trust myself. Apparently I don't know who I am. That's an incredibly frightening though. Maybe it's that. My lack of self acceptance and understanding is stopping me. It's a little ironic - I am my own worst enemy and I feel so meaningless and weak yet there's something with such power and strength there.

I must trust myself. Love and accept myself. But I don't have a clue who I am.

I am okay though. Oh yes. That's what I say.

It did go well. I left the session feeling like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. She told me that I'd come a very long way from the first time she met me. It felt like a very appropriate thing to say at an ending.. As if she was preparing to shift me onto the next person attempting to cure me. But all those thoughts aside, she somehow let me believe her. I felt comfortable enough to feel like progress is a good thing. Anyone who has been though this issue can understand that accepting your progress as a positive thing is incredibly difficult.

The good morning turned into an even better afternoon. I drove over to York to see my absolutely beautiful friend Anna. She is a beautiful shining diamond and she doesn't even realise it. We had a fabulous time, drinking coffee all afternoon, strolling through the Christmassy streets of York as it turned dark, and then spending the evening drinking vodka and eating sweets and chatting, dancing, discussing pills and Prozac, and all things related, listening to some lovely tunes, and putting the world to rights. I love how we manage to make everything seem okay. It's funny.. But in a not so funny way :)

Here are a few snaps from the evening:

We slept the drink away and then spent Saturday seeing Stef. Stef is one of a kind and absolutely brilliantly laid back and calm. I am determined that after new year I will go to see her play. She dedicates so much time to music and I know she must be wonderful yet I haven't even seen her play yet.

After driving home and arriving back in the slightly snowed upon Harrogate, I went into town to see Kate and Moor for some festive drinks and chats. It was lovely! So lovely to see them. In a way I can be bought back down to earth by spending time with girls who are wonderful yet have such a refreshing view on life. I very much enjoyed our chats but I can't help noticing my complete and total lack of ability to feel comfortable in a busy bar. Gosh. The loudness and the people and the way you feel insignificantly invisible. It's overwhelming.

I've written probably enough to last the whole week.
Well done for getting through this if you have actually reached the end.


Lets go for a skate

Recent shoot with Paul Fosbury ice skating...

The most relaxed but bloody freezing shoot I've done in a while. We just whacked the skates on and had a bit of a laugh.
I think we look about 10 years old :)

Friday, 17 December 2010


The mirror is not my friend. Today is one of those days when I've pulled out every possible outfit my wardrobe can offer in a desperate attempt to find just ONE thing to wear that doesn't make me look/feel hideously fat.
I want every last ounce of my body to be hidden today.
And I want to throw away my scales.

Thursday, 16 December 2010

The illusion of power

'Mystery evokes the illusion of power; Transparency dissolves it.'
Dave Mearns and Brian Thorne (Person Centredness)

Perhaps I enjoy my course reading list books a little too much. I keep finding all these interesting quotes and references and I relate to them so much.
In my mind, this couldn't be more relevant to my own way of living and my perception of how others see me. Honestly. 
My shyness and my quietness (sometimes awkwardness) can sometimes be misinterpreted as confident arrogance because I have a lot of defence mechanisms working. Brick walls are built all around me for protection. I feel safe when no-one can see me. No one can judge because they have nothing to base their judgements on. By hiding myself from the world, I appear to be a mysterious creature who could be anything you want me to be. I can be happy, if that's what you want? I can be a wonderful, strong, and inspiring young woman if you like? Or I can disappear if that will make your life easier? I will become invisible.

Because of this mystery, there is a certain air of 'je ne sais quois' - We cannot quite put a label on it. No one knows exactly what it is, but we do know that it's a powerful thing. It's a beautifully wonderful and powerful air of grace and elegance flowing through the bones.

But you see - if this beautiful mystery is based on insecurities and a desperate attempt to avoid the soul, then where is the beauty? Why does it appeal? Is it because I feel safer in this cocoon of fantasy? It feels powerful to outsiders because they don't see the confusion. They don't see anything. I have all control. That's the beauty in control. The truth is, I am terrified beyond belief of what is lurking underneath. The unknown is a deep and dark void of hopeless nothingness. Empty nothingness.

Wednesday, 15 December 2010


I can safely say that the relationship and trust that was slowly starting to be rebuilt with my sister, has yet again been destroyed. Once again, I see a child that I cannot relate to one single bit. Even if I try, I can't see an ounce of sisterly love or respect or genuine care there atall. It upsets me of course. 
To be honest I don't even know why I expect any more of her. I'm not the best sister I could be, but as selfish as this may sound, relationships ARE a two-way process. I can try as much as I possibly can, but it takes two minds and two hearts to really fix something that's broken.

'Yes, Tanya's really not an ideal role model. Let's face it.. You wouldn't look up to her if she was the last person on earth.'

That's just lovely, to hear your own sister say about you. The sad thing is, I see exactly what she means. I even agree.

Tuesday, 14 December 2010

Recent test shoot.

'No chicken and no king prawns.'

'Salad without the grilled chicken and without the king prawns please.'
That was my dinner last night. It makes the waitress and everyone else look at me and not quite know how to react so they awkwardly laugh or quickly move onto the next person's order. I hate how all things celebratory and festive HAVE to be organised around food. Food. Food. Food.
On reflection, I should have just made an appearance after dinner and enjoyed the rest of the evening relatively stress-free. But I decided not to let this stupid thing get the better of me by going for the meal, despite knowing how difficult it would be.

I always hope and pray that no one will really pay any attention to my strange habits and they will all focus on the drinks and the conversation. I think that's what they did - so it didn't feel too bad.

That's the lovely Zoe and I.  She is always so happy and full of life - quite nice to be around :)

Yesterday was a rather long day - uni in the morning was a bit of a drag. Then saw the absolutely wonderful Stef all afternoon for Starbucks and a good old catch up. She is such a beautiful person and I adore spending time with her. I really must make more time to see her because we go to the same uni and live SO close.

It's incredibly miserable outside today. My poor mother is off work feeling poorly and it's grey, cloudy, a little dark, and rather rainy this morning. Depressingly lovely, yes? I feel like I need something to do. I feel the need to be out of the house and doing something worthwhile and productive, but also I have a huge desire to curl up in my room and hide my existence from the world. Whatever I decide to do with the day, I must begin it with taking my dog out for a morning stroll..

Monday, 13 December 2010


'Because of having less fear of giving or receiving positive feelings, I have become more able to appreciate individuals. I have come to believe that this ability is rather rare; so often, even with our children, we love them to control them rather than loving them because we appreciate them. One of the most satisfying feelings I know - and also one of the most growth promoting experiences for the other person - comes from my appreciating this individual in the same way that I appreciate a sunset. People are just as wonderful as sunsets if I can let them be.  In fact, perhaps the reason we can truly appreciate the sunset is that we cannot control it.' 

Carl Rogers.

I came across this piece of writing while doing some reading for uni. I absolutely adore reading some of my course books. Such influential and interesting people. It's times like this that I have no doubt in my mind that I am on the right course.
Kind of reinforces the belief that if we learn to take control of purely our own lives and no one else's, that's how we will truly begin to grow into the best we can hope to be. Hopefully we wouldn't shy away and conform to certain expectations. People will appreciate us for who we are and equally, we begin to appreciate those around us for the unique person that they are - not expecting any more or any less. Just allowing each person and most importantly, allowing ourselves to simply be free.

Sunday, 12 December 2010

Pointless good morning.

I MUST clean my car today. OCD tells me I must. Also it's gotten rather unclean and mucky and really does need a good scrub. I will wrap up warm and clean it at some point this afternoon.

Bryony is my 12 year old younger sister, and I must say, I love her. She's wonderfully insane. This is last night in pictures: (Take note of Bryony's incredibly beautiful but crazy facial expression..)

Saturday, 11 December 2010

700 miles

I have travelled 700 miles this week, either via car or train. That's quite a lot. 3 shoots, 2 days at uni, and one day of work placement training. Meeting lots of wonderful new people, and becoming slightly overwhelmed with the amount of uni work I still have to do, despite the fact that I've already got all the work for the humanistic module out of the way and handed in.

This is a good explanation as to why I fell asleep fully clothed with the candles still burning, the TV on and happily slept for over 12 hours last night. I then woke up at 9am, changed into my pyjamas and made a cup of tea. In all honesty I feel a million times better for the rest. You would never guess that usually I am a crazy insomniac who can't seem to get 3 hours sleep, never mind a solid night. Perhaps I need to wipe myself out completely before I have a chance of getting any kind of rest. Positives and negatives.. Swings and roundabouts.

I plan to get most of my skills assignment done. It becomes apparent that actually I don't know what to do with spare time. The concept of 'spare time' seems to be very alien to me these days. I suppose I've never fully embraced relaxation and 'chill out' time because it makes me feel slightly worthless. Like perhaps I should be doing something productive and worthwhile with my time rather than selfishly and waste it on myself. It's a good subconscious distraction technique as well. The lengths I go to, to avoid my own mind.

“ I’m alarmed by the silence. The voice has stopped. When it’s quiet in my head like this, that’s when the voice doesn’t need to tell me how pathetic I am. I know it. In the deepest part of me. When it’s quiet like this, that’s when I truly hate myself. ”

Portia De Rossi - Unbearable Lightness.

Thursday, 9 December 2010

Some kind of nothingness

While I was driving back from uni tonight I came across this wonderful new song by the Manic Street Preachers: Some Kind of Nothingness..
It's got really brilliant lyrics.

'Remember you, stretched out in the sun
All alone forever, conclusions foregone
Will you find some kind of nothingness?
Still and lonely like an old school photograph.
Your future glories all empty of thoughts
There's beauty doing nothing at all
It's what you wanted, it's what you got
Your final search for truth has stopped

Okay, this is a small excuse for a distraction from my essay writing. I submitted my two humanistic essays today. I'm onto the next skills one now. Kind of want this one out of the way before Christmas....

Wednesday, 8 December 2010

Behind the scenes

Just a quick pic of moi - behind the scenes on Sunday.

Perhaps I should consider sleep time soon..
I just ate another satsuma. Oh dear.
Uni tomorrow - Back to reality. Like a crash back down to earth.. fast. And loud.

Quand ce train arrivera à…?

A large proportion of today has been spent on the train. So I felt it appropriate to allow you to have a glance at the sights I saw:

It should be noted the insanely busy Leeds - Harrogate train above and also my lovely stylish trekking boots. I feel I pull that look off quite well :) They're very comfortable, if nothing else.
Today was so nice. Shooting on Manchester's ice rink with one of the other lovely models, Isabel, and a great photographer. Followed by a heart warming glass of mulled wine to bring the feeling back into our frozen hands! Such a festive shoot.

Travelling by train may be an annoyance and rather chilly at times (and you may be left without a seat). However, it's a perfect opportunity to read, or listen to music.. and just be. Just get lost in your thoughts.. Very relaxing.
I was reading a David Mearns and Brian Thorne book about person centred counselling and came across this:

' The world is full of helpers whose activity is a desperate strategy to avoid confronting themselves.'

I re-read the paragraph. And read it again a third time. And actually - How bloomin' true is that? That old saying, we are brilliant at giving advice to those we care for, but when it comes to ourselves - we are our own worst enemy. Do we really think THAT little of ourselves? Are we really that worthless and undeserving of love and care, that we can't even take care of ourselves. After all, if we can't love ourselves, who CAN we love??
Those who are most in need of help themselves, tend to devote their life to helping others. Distraction technique? Or denial? Or just plain avoidance? Perhaps it's the thought: 'If no one can fix me, then I might as well fix others..'

I don't know. It kind of hits a nerve, that confronting word. Confrontations are not a pleasant thing at all. Family confrontations are awkward and upsetting. Confrontations between friends can mean guilt and hurt. But a confrontation within your own mind?
THAT is another thing all together.
A very personal and internal battle. It's so prominent and becomes so 'normal' that it's easier to give in to the destructive side. Because what else do you deserve? It's much easier to suffer a controlled pain rather than an overwhelming pain that you spend all these years trying to cover up. When you're fighting a loosing battle, the never-ending downwards spiral is too exhausting.

Life must be lived.

'Life must be lived, and curiosity kept alive. One must never, for whatever reason, turn his back on life.'
Eleanor Roosevelt
Really must sleep now...
Otherwise I have no chance of waking up to my alarm in the morning.
Oh, the morning.
Would rather not think about that right now. My bed is far too warm and comfortable to even contemplate the thought of another early morning.
Written my lists.
Done my calculations.
Everything is organised.

Good night...

Tuesday, 7 December 2010


I must confess to my new addiction:

I've had 4 today... 

Lonely sight

What a lovely sight to be stuck by in the queue of traffic while driving home tonight. Kind of thought provoking. The tree looks so big and lonely!

And so it continues.

Today was child safeguarding training in Leeds for my new work with Barnardo's. Really excited to get started with it actually. It'll be hard work but definitely worth it. Plus it was very nice to have a vaguely relaxing day.

Oh I can't focus! Bryony (my wonderful little sister) is singing a perfectly out of tune rendition of 'Smelly Cat' - the song we all know sung by Phoebe from Friends. She's an odd little one but she gets away with it and I love her even more for it. Beautifully strange little child! She gets it from my mother.

Well, tomorrow I'm shooting back in Manchester and I'm just debating whether to drive or take the train. It's right in the city centre and it's not a crazy early start so I think I'll take my Carl Rogers book and sit on the train with a good coffee and read on the journey. That sounds lovely to me. Decision made.
PS - the lovely mother of mine is on my back to eat protein. La de da... 'You haven't eaten that quorn...' 
Yes mother, I know.
I like quorn. But... Don't quite fancy it tonight :)

Into the night..

Now that is what you call a beautiful painting.

I am completely and utterly shattered.. Drained.. Mind blowingly exhausted. Beyond tired. My eyes cannot stay open, yet insomnia will not let them stay closed either.

Emotional imbalance and physical exhaustion.
The energy is gone.

Monday, 6 December 2010

Life in the fast lane.

That's what I feel like at the moment - my life is spent very much (and quite literally) in the fast lane. Speeding down the motorways in the outside lane, safely of course! But still, speedy - to get myself to where ever they have sent me. Thank goodness I have a lovely friend who's lent me her sat nav, otherwise I'd be a lost cause. Driving in cities is stressful, especially when trying to avoid ice and when the fog is so horrible that you can't see two metres in front of you! However I have conquered my fears and made myself do it, and I'm pleased I did.

I have to admit, yesterday and today have been absolutely fantastic. I should learn to take life with a pinch of salt and stop being such a bloody worrier. Worrying just clouds up a beautiful perspective of life. Yesterday's shoot in particular was hard work but so enjoyable. Quite a journey to get there, but it was a stunning location and the photographer, designer, and hair and make up artist were lovely people. I was modelling the designers incredible collection, including his 'Cheryl Cole' dress. Seriously beautiful clothes. Very excited to see the pics. It's great when you get a trusting and fun vibe on set and you feel comfortable and can let go a little.. be yourself. That's what I reckon gets the best pics and it makes the day so worth while. It's those kinds of days that remind me why I do this. 

Fear and anxiety just creates more fear and self-hatred. Where as if I just take little risks sometimes, just small ones... Be spontaneous, trust my instincts.. Then it pays off. I must improve my thoughts. 
Self belief
Self belief
Self belief

I am exhausted.
But I feel happy. 
Well, you know what I mean by happy. What IS happy?? I don't know if I'm ever actually happy but this must be pretty close. There's nothing sad in my mind today. I've met some wonderful people, I've had a successful few days, and my body aches in a good way. My mind is exhausted from too much thinking and not enough resting. But I like this feeling - it makes me feel as though I've done something good and worth-while. It's a pretty good distraction too, right? Nice to busy my mind and life up with other things (that are not so self-destructive) so I don't have to face up to the shit that I otherwise don't really know how to deal with.

On a different note:
Ellie Goulding's cover of 'Your Song' is just beautiful! Can't stop listening to it

Saturday, 4 December 2010


Owls are all shapes and sizes.
And they are accepted just as they are.
No pressure to be anything other than that.
So maybe it's okay to be the odd one out if you're an owl?
Maybe it's okay to have a fat day.

Maybe it's okay to be fat?
Maybe I am the fat one.
It certainly feels that way today.

Feelings come in degrees.

"It is so hard to learn to put sadness in perspective. So hard to understand that it is a feeling that comes in degrees, it can be a candle burning gently and harmlessly in your home, or it can be a full-fledged forest fire that destroys almost everything and is controlled by almost nothing. It can also be so much in-between "
Elizabeth Wurtzel (Prozac Nation)

Prozac Nation. Need to watch it again.
Today has been one of those in-between days. Therapy days are always a bit in-between. I've been referred to a new person but I have to decide if I want to go ahead with it or stick with the same woman.
Decisions.. Decisions.. 
Life is full of a chaotic mess of choices and decisions in which I'm desperately trying to keep my feet on the ground.

I'm not sure if I can face yet another new face. I can't handle the judgements and questions and the look of.. 'Well.. you're FAT now. Well done! Good work..' and me feeling like a waste of space for even being thereThe doubt of whether I even had issues in the first place. I'd have to lose at least 12 pounds if I was to see someone new again.

Feelings usually come in degrees, including sadness. So why is it, that it's such an overwhelming sinking feeling? Always. 

Thursday, 2 December 2010

Christmas cappuccinos

Yes, that's right.. Even my coffee this afternoon reminded me that it is indeed approaching Christmas day very quickly!

Roasted hazelnut soy cappuccino :) Definitely what the doctor ordered.

I managed to fight the British weather to make my way to uni today. Not many of us were actually there though, including the absence of our tutor. Pretty much predicted that would happen, but me being dedicated, decided to go anyways. (Didn't want to let anyone down.) Turns out it was actually a rather nice day. Small group, lots of tea/coffee and gossip. Along with a bit of input from one of the other tutors which acted as a lovely bit of helpful motivation. The past couple of hours have been spent Harvard referencing my humanistic essay. 2003 words - done and dusted. Carl Rogers books, read and enjoyed. Who knows if it's good enough.. Wait and see I suppose. I am incredibly skilled at putting myself down.

Snow update: Still beautiful and snowy!

I am dressing myself in more layers day by day. It gets colder and colder and there seems to be a never-ending supply of snow somewhere up there! My mother texted me while I was walking home from the train station earlier this evening, asking if I'd like her to walk to the station to meet me and we could walk together back home, just so I wasn't alone. Just was a little reminder of how lucky and blessed I am to have such a wonderful and caring mum.  

Tomorrow should be a lovely day :)


Wednesday, 1 December 2010

Hello December

New month..
New start.
I can try.
This is what December is looking like

I wonder how I will get to uni tomorrow morning? Still snowing, and most likely will do all night!

Tuesday, 30 November 2010

Song of today.

Just have to make note of the lyrics of James Blunt's work, because I cannot seem to stop listening to his album today and his lyrics have a sort of relevance:

'Out Of My Mind'

Judging by the look on the organ-grinder,
He'll judge me by the fact that my face don't fit.
It's touching that the monkey sits on my shoulder.
He's waiting for the day when he gets me,
But I don't need no alibi - I'm a puppet on a string.
I just need this stage to be seen.
We all need a pantomime to remind us what is real.
Hold my eye and know what it means.

I'm out of my mind.


Mysterious and marvelous

“I have grown to love secrecy. It seems to be the one thing that can make modern life mysterious or marvelous to us. The commonest thing is delightful if one only hides it. When I leave town now I never tell my people where I am going. If I did, I would lose all my pleasure. It is a silly habit, I dare say, but somehow it seems to bring a great deal of romance into one’s life.”

  Oscar Wilde

It's been another lovely day of snow and hot chocolates and wrapping up warm, listening to the likes of Norah Jones, Oasis, James Blunt, and Laura Marling.
I have taken it upon myself to change my meds. Only slightly.. It's allowed, hey? Who's to stop me? Doubt I should be writing that, but I don't really know who will read it. There's an example of one of my little 'secrets'.

I had a conversation with someone today, someone I've known for a long time now. He knows me very well.. It's quite scary actually, but he's one of those friends who knows me better than I know myself. Maybe that's why I have that tendancy to push him away, because I know that he's always there, no matter what. It upsets me that my own messed up head even affects our friendship. It's difficult to explain that I actually thrive from keeping myself at a certain distance from others. I let a select few in, I keep others an arms width from me, and I live inside four walls in which I refuse to let anyone else in. Seems very lonely and potentially quite selfish. I don't have a big secret - but my 'issues' do survive from secrecy. I've become a pro at lies, manipulative and deceitful little lies. I hate that. Lies lies lies. I can't stand lies.
But now I'm getting a little sidetracked.

What I want to say, is that by keeping myself to myself, it means that I feel somewhat safe. A comfortable safety where I don't really let many people in because I'm afraid that what they'll see isn't what they think I am. Infact, I worry that I don't even know these parts myself. So I'm afraid of discovering the unknown too.

Last day of November

'No one can make you feel inferior without your consent'
Eleanor Roosevelt, 'This Is My Story,' 1937

Monday, 29 November 2010

The traditional British snow day

So it's well known that the population of England love nothing better than hearing their schools/universities/work places are closed due to snow. We all remember the winter school mornings we woke up to peek out of the window and there's a beautiful, untouched white blanket laid all around. Then excitedly wake mum up before eating breakfast, watching TV and listening to the radio awaiting the announcement that your school was indeed closed for the day! Then on goes the snow boots, winter knits, hats, scarfs, gloves.. and the sledge! When we were younger anyways. At 21 it's not such a naive excitement, because I do appreciate that as a travelling worker, degree student, and driver, we do have things to do, people to see, and schedules that need to run on time.

There was a moment last night though, The mother and I were watching the snow fall heavily.. It was actually really beautiful. Dark outside, big snowflakes falling and gracefully landing on the ground.. lit up by a few street lamps. A few cars tried, struggled and failed to make their way to the top of the hill. Have to admit this provided a little entertainment. We did take a minute to acknowledge that even though we're not kids any more, the snow still has that slight magical effect. For some reason, and I don't really know what.. When you stand there and just watch the snow and look all around, it kind of takes away all your worries for a short while. And we ended up smiling and feeling festive and cosy and like a family. It was just lovely!

I'm watching the news - Images from Scotland are stunning in the snow! Kind of wish I lived there :)

Sunday, 28 November 2010

Once in a while

“ We all get lost once in a while, sometimes by choice, sometimes due to forces beyond our control. When we learn what it is our soul needs to learn, the path presents itself. Sometimes we see the way out but wander further and deeper despite ourselves; the fear, the anger or the sadness preventing us returning. Sometimes we prefer to be lost and wandering, sometimes it’s easier. Sometimes we find our own way out. But regardless, always, we are found. ” 

Cecelia Ahern - Thanks For the Memories.


So true, we do all get lost at some point in our lives. It's how we find our way back home again that matters. The hard thing is - the only way to really find ourselves again is by facing the hurt and the shit that made us fall in the first place. That's why it feels safer and easier to stay as we are, wandering through life. But that's not life. That is simply existing, not living. 

Just a thought


Friday, 26 November 2010

a winter's morning

I reckon winter has well and truely arrived now. Icey cold, snowy yesterday, that fresh crisp feeling in the air.. The sky looks gloriously full of sunshine yet there's still ice on the ground. If anything, it's a good excuse to layer up and not get funny stares from people! Thermal clothes, lots of chunky knits, about 3 pairs of warm socks, knitted tights.. boots with layers of softness inside! And of course, the wooly hat comes out. I'm not really afraid of dressing any way I feel. I wouldn't describe myself as having a set 'style' or following any certain 'trends'.. I tend to go along with how I feel and if I feel comfortable, happy and vaguely dressed in a way that looks like I havn't just thrown on the first thing I found, then I'm away! 

Back to THE wooly hat! It's actually a man's hat. Which means it's slightly on the big side. It's one of those big warm ones that have ear flaps and toggles and a big woolen bobble on the top. I think it's the cosiest thing to wear. If my head and ears are kept nicely warm then the rest of me tends to follow suit. However my friends who know me always seem to find it amusing when I wear it. It's nice.. but so unexpected of me! I whacked it on during skills classes yesterday at uni! And it was mentioned then aswell :) Ha! Apparently it's because it's so big on my small frame and my 'composed' nature! Me being 'tall and slim and elegant' (I would beg to differ!!) 

Well, there's a lot of love for the hat :)

On another completely different note, my beautiful friend Ruth is off on her way to interview with an agency today. I absolutely know she's going to blow them away and she'll be fabulous. She's got me back to thinking about all things fashion and art and modelling again. I say again, but it's not really again. It's always on my mind.. It's what I do really! But sometimes I forget just how much my heart and mind can be into it all. I am so grateful to be where I am at the moment with all of it. I was actually on the Boss blog yesterday - an article about the other red-head new girl and myself, describing us as 'Titanian Goddesses' I do quite like that name - it may catch on!

If there is one girl out there who I think is absolutely incredible it's Lily Cole. (she flies the flag for the red heads aswell). I've always been a little envious of how stunningly perfect she is.

Just beautiful
Righty, I'm actually going to do something productive with today. Day off and all that jazz

Wednesday, 24 November 2010

Just to listen

Over the past couple of weeks, and especially today I'm realising just how much it means to have someone sit down and give you their time just being there and listening. Listening is such a powerful thing. To let a person to feel heard and understood. But most importantly, to feel like there's someone who cares enough to be there - perhaps to read between the lines. It doesn't take much but surprisingly there's not all that many people who can do it.

It makes a real big difference.


Monday, 22 November 2010

Vacant stares

Vacant stares
That's been me lately. I don't like it but I do think it's the case. Who knows why? No one but me. But actually I don't even know the answer myself. What's behind my eyes? Emptiness? Fear, loneliness... I could write a list as long as my arm but it would be a quite depressing list so I will save you from reading it. When you see me like this - please don't mistake me for someone I'm not. When I'm seemingly staring blankly into the empty space, I'm not being selfish and I'm not dreaming of a better world. I'm simply a lost person trying to make sense of the world and trying to find a way to make sense of the irrational mind I live with.

It seems a rather sad story. One that I should be ashamed of, but who's to say it's bad? It's just me.

This is from a lovely little book - it helps make sense of the sadness that otherwise is impossible to describe.

Uni presentation was this morning, on existentialism. That's probably what's making me think.

Saturday, 20 November 2010

Days of procrastination are over.

It's saturday afternoon and don't think I've seen real day light all day. This is a true English dark and gloomy winters-day. And to top it off, the mother and I are about to take the dog out (in the rain.) Lovely.
Nevertheless, I don't really have anything to really complain about! Quite content today. Frankie, George and I went to see the new Harry Potter film last night. It was immense! By far the best one to date. Even Daniel Radcliffe's acting has significantly improved. Also, Rupert Grint never fails to entertain me. And Emma Watson is incredibly talented and envy-provokingly beautiful. Infact, just Harry Potter is great. I am aware I'm at risk of sounding very sad at 21 years old and loving those books. But that's the way I roll :)

Some of the wisest words are spoken in those books: 

'Of course it is happening inside your head, but why on earth should that mean that it is not real?' 

Ahh, anyays I shall stop my 'Harry Potter is amazing' discussion and get ready to brave the great outdoors with Lady.


Also - Sneak peek of latest shoot. Hope you like


Friday, 19 November 2010

Friday feeling

Good morning. Oh this is different - blogging in the morning! It's usually an obsurd time of the night. Well, change is good.
I would have updated last night but if I remember rightly I was pretty much dead on my little old feet. So here I am - 9am and ready to start the day. It's uni reading week (well, the last day of reading week really) But I feel like today is the only real 'reading week' day I've had. Before I write any more, I HAVE to share these beautiful little pups with you. Mark's parents have 2 brand new puppies. They are tiny and ever so adorable.. Take a peek.. (I went to visit them last night)

Teagan and Timmy :) Oh they are tiny and lovely little things.

Back to today anyways - I am as free as a bird! I DO have a little bit of uni work actually but I shall get that done this morning. Existentialism presentation to do on Monday and also need to get on with the rest of my humanisic essay. Easier said than done I reckon. I did have a therapy appointment today but she had to rearrange so that's free'd up my lunch time. Oh I love the irony - let's make my therapy time during actual lunch time. Way to go, to get me eating a normal lunch. Really good timing there!
Oh well. Onwards and upwards with the day. It's Friday 19th November - that is the release day of Harry Potter! (I am fully aware I'm 21 years old and perhaps that's a little sad!) But yes, I shall be getting over to the odeon tonight to see it. Of course. It's Harry Potter! I Bloody love it. There's some really incredible quotes running through those books aswell.
Au revoir xxx