Monday, 23 April 2012

Neglecting life

I never seem to escape a day without neglecting one aspect of my life or another. Whether that's people, university, my job, my family, myself..
Maybe it's priorities. Maybe life is about sacrifices. Constant overwhelming, overbearing sacrifices, but I don't like it very much at all. It fills my heart and head with pressure and responsibility. I sometimes think I have too much in my heart and so much in my life but it never seems to balance out evenly. 'Balance' sounds so easy but it appears to be a delicate fine art which perhaps takes the longevity of an enriched and experienced lifetime to painstakingly perfect.

Is it even achievable? I don't know. Right now, I've said no to a job and casting tomorrow because I need to be at a lecture and seminar at University which will most probably be useless anyway, seeing as assignment deadlines are ever so quickly approaching so presumably all necessary material has already been covered.

I hate to let people down.
I wish I could give all I have to everyone around me. To everything and everyone I try to commit to. I wish I could give it all.

I am neglecting university work lately. This shall change now. My free time during the day (If I have any free time!) is spent in the library working. Just my perfectionist traits mean that work is slow work in progress, and it really is difficult to see any progress being made.
So, I'm going to keep on keeping on :)
Positive energy and such.
Bon nuit

Four Quartets

'Home is where one starts from. As we grow older
The world becomes stranger, the pattern more complicated
Of dead and living. Not the intense moment
Isolated, with no before and after,
But a lifetime burning in every moment'

- T. S. Elliot, 'East Coker', Four Quartets.

Saturday, 21 April 2012

Ramblings of Friday

Currently about to attempt sleep and feeling a whole range of feelings. All intense yet unjustifiable emotions of the world all wrapped up, entwined together in one young mind. And here I am. It seems sensible to blame it on tiredness so that's what I shall do. I feel quite awful that the poor Starbucks barrista and the ticket man on the train were unfortunate enough to be on the receiving end of my little outbursts. Really, Tanya - tears over a drink? Really? Tears because the train is too full? These things don't even matter.

I think the doctor would order a little sleep. In fact, she doesn't. She is highly reluctant to prescribe me sleeping pills, so this is precisely what she will not order for me.

Ah, life. Strange thing.
On a positive note - the job I had this morning was lovely. Outdoors on location for a catalogue job on a knitwear shoot. Being outdoors meant that it was absolutely freezing cold, but I was kept as warm as possible and fed juice and malteasers :) it was peaceful and lovely with a small team and brilliant client. Kind of refreshing to work on a job with calming people and not feel under an immense amount of pressure.

I ended up taking a grand total of six trains today from home to the shoot to castings and back home again. I sometimes wish time would stand still for a while to give those of us who need it, time to breathe. Life can be suffocating if we forget to breathe.

Must renew my energy somehow!
Bon nuit

Thursday, 19 April 2012

sunrise and sketching

There is nothing quite like the early hours of the morning when half of the world is still asleep. A small hot coffee, train table all to myself, beautiful music of Bon Iver playing from my iPod, and the sun slowly rising in the sky while the train drives up/down/across the country. I'm painting quite a serene and idyllic picture in your mind, yes? That's because it's beautifully calming. Calming and peaceful. I think I'm quite a hippy at heart. Of course I inevitably stress and worry, like 99% of the population. I travel for my job and have to be at certain locations at certain times, and arrive as the 'perfect' person. Literally - 'perfect'. What does that mean? To meet all the expectations placed upon me knowing full well that I'm probably not reaching them. I'll always be falling short of something and it takes one hell of a lot of thick skin to look past that sometimes. I'm talking hypothetically 'as if' I have thick skin. I don't. Otherwise I wouldn't be able to reflect on my job in this way. I love it, I really do. But I'll always feel this way to some degree or another. I am what I am - I can try my best to change it. I could kill myself trying to change if I really wanted. But even then, I still would just be 'not quite right'.

Anyway, I am rolling away down a pathway here that I didn't intend to go down.
Back to the trains and travel. I've said it before: I like travelling and I enjoy being on (quiet less crowded) trains because it's a time of momentary transit. A time where the rest of the world really doesn't matter too much because they are out there and you are travelling through time. Time dedicated to just moving from one place to the next; neither here nor there. There's something in that feeling that takes away a lot of worry.
So I took my 'book' out, did some writing and sketching while I was watching the sun and just enjoying time. 

Sunday, 15 April 2012

Sunday's song

'The birds they sang the break of day
Start again I hear them say, it's just so hard to walk away
The birds they sang all a choir, start again a little higher
It's a spark in a sea of grey
The sky is blue, dreamed that lie til it's true
Then taking back the punch I threw, my arms turn into wings
Send me up to that wonderful world
And then I'm up with the birds'

- Coldplay, Up with the birds.

Much love for Coldplay today. Much, much love.
If you take time to really listen to the words, I love how each of their albums tells a story. There is continuity throughout each song and a story is told. It's lovely

Saturday, 14 April 2012

for today

A wonderful friend of mine texted me while I was on the train going/coming back from somewhere on Thursday. At least I think it was Thursday.. It was castings or something. The entire week has blurred into one rather long day of one thing after another with abnormal patterns of sleep in-between. But hey, if that's what works..
Anyway, I hope she won't mind me sharing what she wrote in this text message. At the end of her message, these words were just absolutely what I needed to hear. And for some reason, reading them at that moment in time, I was able to take them on board.

'For today, we only need to think about this one day.'

Something either speaks to you or it doesn't, and these words most definitely do. I've noted them down at the front of my diary to remind myself in times when a little perspective and mindfulness would do some good. So thank you - to my friend, for your words. Proof of the power of words, kindness, and people.

In various other news - I appear to have bruised/damaged my heel from what I can only put down to too much walking!?
Worked on a shoot in The Cotswolds yesterday on a job for Skoda and met the most intriguing person. Most definitely makes for an interesting day - always, always meet new and crazy/lovely people in my job.
And - the fridge is broken (again). Which is not only incredibly frustrating and annoying, BUT pink lady apples with cinnamon just do not taste the same at room temperature.

La de da. So today has been spent doing a placement session and ticking off my 'to do' list. I shall write up some more placement report and then spend the evening watching suitably rubbish TV and being thoroughly entertained :)

Thursday, 12 April 2012

Sunday, 8 April 2012

the coffee effect

Some fight for the beneficial effect that coffee apparently has on the mind/body health.
Others argue that it is a poisonous chemical filled drink of the devil.

I know both sides. I spent about a year on a rather strict caffeine ban with the hopes that I would experience some miraculous benefits, but the past month has seen me gently lift the caffeine ban. I must say I have greatly welcomed coffee back with delight and my arms as open as they possibly reach. Life is to short to waste it on silly illogical 'rules'. Why not live a little - give yourself the energy to do so with the assistance of a good cup of coffee every once in a while.

I must remind myself to go easy. Yesterday I had two extra-strength coffees one after the other. I stood up, took a walk around for a while.. sat back down, and I have not felt quite so horrendously awful for a while. The high of energy.. 'empty energy' as I like to call it, followed with an all time drop in all forms of energy I possibly had left in my body was almost too much to handle.Some strange disassociated state of existing in a planet of madness, of floating in air but flopping on the ground. Heavy head and light feet. Of course this wasn't just due to the coffee. I'm sure other things affected this too, but I really questioned why the hell I had two coffees like that. A moment of 'need/want' more energy and more rush. Followed with an experience that I'm not sure I'd like to experience again.
Must take things easy!

a man who lost his shadow

'There was once a man who lost his shadow. I forget what happened to him, but it was dreadful. As for me, I've lost my own image. I did not look at it often; but it was there, in the background. A straightforward, genuine, 'authentic' woman, without mean-mindedness, uncompromising, but at the same time, understanding, indulgent, sensitive, deeply feeling, intensely aware of things and of people... It is dark: I cannot see myself anymore. And what do the others see? Maybe something hideous.'
- Simone de Beauvoir, 'The Woman Destroyed'

This woman is describing a loss of her very own sense of self.
I think perhaps many of us can relate to these words in different levels and depths. Different contexts and meanings, but very powerfully.

Friday, 6 April 2012

miraculous cure for sleep-deprived over-thinking?

This thought has quite literally just cropped into my mind right about now.. As many seem to do in the early and lonely hours of the morning.

It's so easy for someone to say 'Don't let the pressure get to you.'

I guess it's intended to reassure or empathize. But oh my, it's so easy to say when the other is eternally, blissfully, and naively unaware. That's perhaps the way it should be. They must have a certain level of awareness, otherwise the word 'pressure' wouldn't have passed their lips. But really, to step into another's world like that, is not an easy task.
Well, the words almost are meaningless unless the context is fully understood. And if it were fully understood, it would be somewhat more difficult to say 'don't let it get to you'. The word pressure would have an entirely new meaning, and it would not be so easy to accept.

People mean well. Ninety-nine percent of the population mean well, (arguably) but sometimes words are nice but not enough. Random ramblings of my mind.. I really must figure out the miraculous cure for sleep deprived over-thinking. It's not doing me any good whatsoever. I surprise myself at my ability to function from day to day, albeit a little dazed and hazy at times, but sometimes bounded up with endless buzzing energy from somewhere :) I must be a little confusing for people to watch.

It's Friday now - Only two hours into Friday but it's a bank holiday and therefore, the end of the week. It's been a good one I think. I've done a fair amount of work on my assignments, confirmed three jobs, and conveniently avoided the hectic streets of town today by journeying over to Manchester for castings.

Thursday, 5 April 2012

Tuesday, 3 April 2012

too much talking?

It is said that talking is 'good' for us. It is a beneficial process. It helps healing. It helps us acknowledge certain things we may otherwise be blissfully unaware of - whether that be a conscious or unconscious decision. Sharing problems, lifting a heavy weight from our shoulders, bringing the unconscious into awareness, bringing the unspoken to the surface.

Whichever way it is thought of - talking is helpful. Otherwise why would we pay therapists to sit in stillness while patiently reflecting back to the client the million dollar question - 'and tell me, how does that make you feel?'

Well, today the phrase 'all talked out' seems most appropriate.
An hour with the new lady at the clinic this morning - surprisingly it wasn't too bad. Then a tutorial with my academic tutor at uni for an hour and a half, followed very closely by another tutorial with my placement tutor for an hour and a half. Must note that these are rather long tutorials.
I am not complaining. My tutors are quite lovely human beings. I am actually incredibly fortunate to have people in life who willingly take time out of their day to sit in a room with me and talk. To talk and also to listen. To be present and to be there. To care. To validate while offering new  ways of thinking and opening up avenues of possibility.

To be validated is to be recognized in an authentic and absolute state. No falsified pretense, just natural simplicity. Sounds simple, but I think it's a feeling that holds some of the most real and meaningful powers. So, maybe too much talking only promotes a lot more contemplation. Which can be a lovely thing in my books. It's quite evident that I think maybe a little too much at times, but probably just as much as most, if they just open their minds once in a while.

Enough writing for 3.15am...

Sunday, 1 April 2012

the other side of the camera


A new month. A new pair of sunglasses. I am a firm believer in treating ourselves every once in a while. Little things do wonders for our positive vibes. Of course, the emergence of warmth and sun help a great deal

the private I

In becoming this self, this 'I', we have had to let go of the peerless paradise of one-less, the happy illusion of being untouchably safe and the comforting simplicity of a neatly split-off universe where good was only good and bad only bad. In becoming this self, we have stepped into a world of aloneness and powerlessness and ambivalence. Aware of our terror and glory, we say 'It is I.'
- Judith Viorst (The Private I), Necessary Losses.

Sometimes the words of others can perfectly and skillfully elaborate on our very on trains of thought.