Wednesday, 31 August 2011

summer?

I think summer time here is well and truly over. I am currently sat in bed with a hot water bottle (in August may I add..) and a hot cup of peppermint tea, catching up with my emails and such. It is getting darker earlier, I have worn a winter coat and scarf for the past couple of days and there is not even a sense of that warm glowing summers evening atmosphere any more. Not even in the slightest, and it's almost depressing. Summer has been and gone in the blink of an eye. Is time simply moving far too quickly or is this just England now? There is still another month left before returning to university and moving into my new house. One whole month of this? Please brighten up. The warmth of the sun really is underappreciated. It does make a difference.

Aside from the pressure of selling my car, which is proving to be a rather difficult task and requires a lot of assertiveness and a 'grown-up' head - I am pretty relaxed. Other than a brief trip to London and some castings here and there, I have plenty of time to drink copious amounts of tea, play the piano, read, write, catch up with my Vogues, and spend quality time with my little sister and a few friends of mine. This evening has been spent attempting a piano accompaniment to a Jeff Buckley song which I adore, followed by a hot chocolate and a wonderfully long phone conversation with Anna. This girl will not know what has hit her when we are reunited as housemates. She'll have so much love from moi.

I miss friends. I miss the warmth of the sun. I miss university. I miss my brother.
Okay, I really must stop missing things and start living in the here-and-now.
I am here. This is me. And I have to be happy with this. I am happy with this.

disconnect the telephone

'I disconnect the telephone to keep the outside world in it's correct place.'
Tell-All, Chuck Palahniuk

Sunday, 28 August 2011

bird

I love that I have such wonderful people in my life, and I love that so many are brilliantly creative and talented. It's an endearing way to be.
I was sent this poem by a musician and writer friend of mine, Matthew Newby. Such a gentle and lovely way to write.

Bird

On the landing I stood watching the bird,
its small chest moving only slightly now.
Taken from the mouth of the family cat
it lay, feathers ruffled, wings akimbo.
Then my mother sighed and tried to explain
what the stillness meant, what death meant in words.
"But why?" was the only question I had.
I thought of the mohair coats that she wore,
one turquoise, another red like plumage.
And with my ear pressed to her chest she asked,
"Are you afraid that will happen to me?"
From then on I would walk to her wardrobe
just to pull down those coats from their hangers
and sit. Wearing one, smelling the other.

Check out his blog:
http://www.altoid-tin.blogspot.com/

Thursday, 25 August 2011

Almost Perfect


Almost Perfect

It’s almost perfect being almost perfect
being almost there and almost not.

And it’s almost brilliant being almost brilliant
and almost great being almost Elite.

And it’s almost awesome landing the first job
and being optioned and requested until you’re not.

And it’s almost crazy being almost crazy
about almost being Comme des Garçons next chap.

And it’s almost delightful desecrating Dior’s HQ
and almost wonderful when I’m eyeing up you.

And it’s almost grand being almost ASOS’s man
and it’s almost incredible being told you’re too thin.

And it’s almost phenomenal being in the top 6
beating 300 guys and almost getting it.

And it’s almost amazing being ”99%” Balenciaga’s boy
and it’s almost fantastic being almost GHD

and almost okay when you get nothing
and it’s almost marvellous being me.


Perhaps reading this feels close to home because it's about a models life. Of never knowing. Of rejection and not quite making the cut. Not quite being good enough. Hearing the 'We love you but...' Or maybe due to my character being the type that is always one step ahead of herself, and already built the next goal before even reaching the first one. Always being almost there because no matter how well I do or how far I go, I can always go one step better. Well, it 'must' be fabulous being me, right?  

Maybe this is just my interpretation of these words but I really do adore this poem recently written by a lovely friend of mine, Max Wallis. A beautiful model, wonderful soul and a talented writer. (I even own a copy of 'Modern Love', his first published poetry book which is of course receiving brilliant reviews.)
Much love to him.
Check him out on facebook and twitter.

https://www.facebook.com/#!/max.wallis
http://twitter.com/#!/boommaxboom

Wednesday, 17 August 2011

3.50am

3.50am. This may possibly mark a new extreme of my blogging habits at ungodly hours of the early morning. Sleeping patterns at the moment (and now I think about it, for the past five or so years) would be considered anything but healthy. But I don't seem to be in a rush to make changes so I suppose it's okay. It could be much worse. The quietness of night time is actually quite lovely and peaceful and somewhat reflective.

I'm missing a lot of friends at the moment. I miss them all. I have so much love for so many people I wish I could share it all out equally.

Wednesday, 10 August 2011

oh, to be British

Proud to be British?
This is just a short post written from my iPhone as I begin to do a little reading before sleeping.
It is all well and good for me this evening, sleeping in a safe and secure area without fear and terror. But I am well aware that this is not the case for much of the country at the moment.
This is England. The country who, only a few months ago declared a new British holiday to mark the Royal wedding and the entire country united with pride. This week is a far cry from that pride and solidarity. Goodness me, my heart breaks to know the destruction the young people we live amongst are causing. London, Manchester, Birmingham. Where next? And will they stop?? It terrifies me. My good friends who are living in the midst of the riots and attacks are scared witless. And this fills me with so much sadness.
It seems as though this country is falling to pieces right before our eyes.
I know there will be an on-going reason (not excuse) for these kids behaviour and their mentality being as screwed up as is quite obviously is. People are blaming the parents, the schools, the government. But guys. It has to stop. It really must stop.

Sunday, 7 August 2011

splash of colour

I did a lovely test before heading to Japan with Phil Drinkwater (photographer) and Cassie Steward (make up artist) aaaand, here are the final shots we have. I love the colour and love that it's something a little different in my book. Most of all I love the crazy people I worked with on the day. Laughs, silly banter, lovely down to earth people.

Saturday, 6 August 2011

1am

I keep meaning to write some more posts but each time I open the page to write, nothing seems to be worthy enough of writing. I feel as though I need life to be filled with crazy-ness again. I do admittedly have a lot to be organizing right now. House, car, sky-high phone bills, university finances, jobs, work placements, making sure I'm getting castings and work, keeping my own sanity under control. I need to go away somewhere, or at least be keeping busy around here.

Since returning from Japan this is the first night I will actually spend back in my own bed. Wow. And this is only because my mother has gone away for the night so I can relax in my own home. It's wonderful. I know when she returns, we shall have to sit down together in a calm moment and discuss my time here until I move out for good next month. I cannot continue living this way and I hope I've provided her with enough space to clear her mind.

'Change' - the daunting word with so much depth. The thing we all avidly try to avoid but it is inevitably something we have to face head-on. Usually at a time when we are most vulnerable and would much rather stay in the safety of our cocoon, wrapped in love and security. But life very rarely hands us the cards we would prefer. This reminds me actually, of a John Mayer song I was listening to while I was driving this afternoon, which now I think about it, also links directly to the conversation I was having with my university tutor this afternoon. 'Don't Stop This Train.' - Essentially a lovely song (which is wonderful when played acoustic) written about life, the presence of time, and the unavoidable speed of change. He writes about how being young and free is almost like a gift given to each of us, but we only realize the unique wonder of that gift once it's too late to retrieve it again. When we grow a little older and realize that time sometimes runs too quickly and we can't keep up. When we realize that we simply cannot understand life when certain aspects are beyond our control. Things will happen and we will question 'why?' and never understand. When we begin to have an appreciation of the 'good' moments and the simplistic joys because we've now experienced enough (even if it's only slightly enough) of life to understand that these moments must be lived to the fullest.. It's only then, that we cannot have that gift of an innocent and youthful mind returned. That mind is beautiful in its own right. A perfect example of an understated, under acknowledged beauty that doesn't even recognise for its-self.  Because time is ever-moving and non-negotiable with it's twists and turns. But one thing is for sure - there is no going back.

The fear is incomprehensible. Of course. The fear is there because it's natural to be afraid. But it also means that living in the moment, living for the day, and appreciating the life you live is possibly the only way to find positivity and inspiration in the pack of cards you were given. Yes, it's just one simple song, an easy listen, and a lovely voice. But the words ring true. I'm feeling pretty thankful for having such lovely influences in the form of my friends and those close to me. I'm a distant person and I'm the 'quiet one' most of the time, but I put my trust into a few and I really feel grateful to have such unique and incredible people fitting so perfectly well into this crazy life.

'So scared of getting older
I'm only good at being young
So I play the numbers game to find a way to say that life has just begun'

I really must get my note pad out again. I haven't written since I was in Japan and I'm missing that outlet.

Wednesday, 3 August 2011

3rd August

Waking up a 6am is not all that fun when you don't have to be awake until whatever leisurely time your body clock decides to rise and shine. However, this morning, of course that would have been too much to ask! So 6am it was. I've been doing nothing since, and it's now approaching 9.30am on a Wednesday morning. Oh dear. While typing that I had to double check it is actually Wednesday and not Tuesday, and subsequently took a double-glance when I saw the month 'August'. There are positives to waking up before anyone else in the house. Well, it's just my mother and sister. But I was able to make my sister breakfast in bed and be a lovely big sister for once. That, combined with cups of peppermint tea for myself and a small cup of steamed soy milk. This is becoming a small indulgence of mine. Okay, it's filled with lovely nutrients and it's hardly a slab of chocolate fudge cake for breakfast, so it's not so much of a 'guilty indulgence' rather an unnecessary mug of goodness every so often!

Today I plan on spending this morning sorting a few things out. I am on a mission to sell my car so I have a few things to organise and think about and a few calls to make. I shall then head over to York, sort out a couple of student finance things at university and then meet the wonderful Steff. We plan on drinking tea, browsing charity and vintage shops and then possibly finding some good food/nutrition books since we are both pretty into 'healthy' options and taking care of ourselves and our diet.

I feel yesterday should have a little mention before I go off and prepare my own breakfast. Yesterday was an unexpected busy day. I woke up and was called to a casting so began to get ready, then was called again to let me know that I'd been booked on a very last minute job so I manically rushed and hopped on the train to Manchester, jumped into a cab from which the driver managed to find himself incredibly lost around Manchester city center. That was vaguely entertaining and a little frustrating! Me not even being a resident of Manchester knew exactly how to get to the studio. But, we got there eventually. The receptionist made me wait for a rather long time because her call through to let the client know I'd arrived didn't actually go through! Then on set, we had to make an emergency call to the agency to ask them to send a make up artist since there was no make up artist there! Whether she hadn't turned up or the client just hadn't booked one, I'm not entirely sure. But they sent one of the lovely bookers at Boss over with a kit of make up and she spent the afternoon with me out of booker-mode and playing make up artist for the day. It was all rather impromptu and last minute but nevertheless it was in fact a very chilled and easy day.

Right. The mother and sister have just left to visit a friend's new puppy, bearing gifts. I think this is time for me to begin the day. I need more busy-ness. Keep me busy, take me somewhere, keep me out and I am happy.

Monday, 1 August 2011

August

First post of August 2011 and it seems fitting to post a small update on the last weeks goings on. I have just this evening returned from London spending a few days with Next, working at this years Next model competition as 'last year's winners' with the rest of the beautiful top ten models. We were fortunate enough to not only be crowned the top ten this time last year and be whisked away to the ever so beautiful city of Paris to film and shoot, but we have been working with Next all year for various campaigns and shows, meeting and working alongside some absolutely incredible and talented people from Next and the creative teams they use. Being there one year later just showed us how thankful we should be for the most amazing opportunities that have been given to us through our own hard work but also through the lovely people we've met along the way. Of course, we've each branched out our own separate ways but we've consistently had work and good time spent together which has subsequently led to us being a close-knit group of friends and I know for sure that I felt pretty emotional knowing that this marked the end of an epic year together. I know I have said a similar phrase before, but it's still so true. I do hold a huge place in my heart for those other models/friends of the top ten. They are special people and I'm sure we will stay in eachother's lives for a long time yet! Too many good times to come.

It can only be the start of even more fantastic things, right? How much has my live changed in just the past year! I always appreciate the past but at the moment, I am in the frame of mind for looking forward and being excited by the possibilities and the change. For being young and free enough to make my own decisions, live my own life, and have a little fun. Life is too bloody short to waste away feeling disheartened about what could/should/might have been. We are here now, and we have a life that is given to us so we can live it.

While I was spending a little time in London I also found time to see my family down there. I see London as a 'home away from home' type of city. Perhaps I should look into working there during holidays.. I love the city. Not as much as Paris! But I do love the city and I feel at home there. I don't know.. Possibilities.

I have had a rather hectic time also this week, trying to 'sort my life out', for want of a better phrase. I have now found and secured a new house for September, so as of the first week of September I shall be a happy resident of York, living much closer to university and finally moving out of little old Harrogate. Harrogate is lovely, homely, small, quaint.. But I do feel as though I'm ready to move out of here. If only because I need the space from my family and I need the right environment to live as an individual, not under my mother's roof existing to try and please her with every move I do only to find that every step I make is somewhat wrong anyway. I do know it's causing me a lot of stress at the moment but if I deal with it step by step then it's not all that bad. Things will work out eventually.

All in all, I don't know what has switched over in this complex mind of mine but I'm so glad things seem better.