Friday, 27 March 2015

Coded messages

This is the second post of March, and probably the last of March too. Time, space, and distance in-between posts is getting bigger and bigger and so much happens in between that it gets difficult to know where to begin. So I suppose my strategy as of late has just been not to begin! It has taken having the word 'BLOG' on my to-do list for about a week for me to actually write this, and even still I do not know exactly where to begin. This timely reminder on my to do list looks out of place in amongst all the other 'must-do-important' things on my list, but that tells me that in some way this blog must be important to me too. If I look at how long I have kept this going, that does tell me something. I am not ready for it to go, nor do I plan on ending it any time soon. I quite like the idea that in ten years time I will still be writing, and even years past then! But perhaps I am now writing less than I used to. In some ways I am writing more than I used to; client notes and emails and research proposals (lately anyway) and of course not to forget nearing the end of my course and thus mountains of assignments that somehow make my old undergrad dissertation pale in comparison. I miss my regular posts and I also miss the time I had to write them, but I think I somehow got to the point where I questioned why I wrote so much, and too much questioning is not always a good thing. Too much questioning and I end up not doing something altogether. Also now I am moving into what feels like a different stage of my life I am aware of the internet and the permanent tracks that I can make. I am aware of my voice and how readily available this writing is. I know how many clients and students I work with, and how I try to keep my boundaries where they need to be, but somehow I give permission for certain boundaries to be crossed. By posting on the internet I implicitly give others permission to read my words so on some level I know I want to be mindful of what I write.

I am aware of these things and still trying to work out what I 'can' and 'can't' write. But what I have come to realise is that I can just keep going and I know when I need to write in a coded cryptic fashion and when I must be black and white. A coded and cryptic message is needed here as I discuss today and my recent thoughts about my many roles. I sat in a meeting and found myself feeling more and more agitated. I was once more reminded that I am in a profession that cares, a profession that cares about other human beings and at heart, aims for the best for the other human being. Yet I am being provided with 'manuals' and 'practice policies and procedures and formulas' that seem to prevent me from being human myself... This does not sit well with me and I am slowly working out why. I know the importance of boundaries and I understand the importance of knowing the limitations of my role, but what I don't know is why we are so accepting of manuals that interfere with who we are, so much so that they get in the way of us seeing the human in front of us. I cannot see the day where I will ever begin to formulate what it is to be human. We mask it under 'safety' and 'risk-management' but who are we really seeking to protect in policies and procedures like these... It is more a rhetorical question than a question needing anything more.

So tomorrow I have one student first thing in the morning, I will do my job, I will teach her psychology, I will discuss what she wants to discuss, and one thing I love about working for myself in that role is that I am only bound by the rules I know I must set for myself. Then I am heading to the train station to spend a third weekend this month in London, this time not for a modelling job or a Harry Potter escapade with my sisters, but with a very good friend. I am looking forward to this trip, we have a conference and wine drinking planned. Balance might be restored once more, I hope. Life has been very much up and down the country recently, and as always I am working out at what point I need to stop. I must finish my packing... send a few emails, and perhaps just get some rest. I have been recommending rest to all my tired and stressed students lately. I wonder when I will begin to take my own advice..

Friday, 6 March 2015

The horizon

Currently sat at home with a Jeremy Holmes book next to me and have sat down at my computer so that I can spend a little precious time doing some edits and some serious cutting down of words on this essay which might otherwise be described as a rather lengthy extended and somewhat well articulated rant (with academic references!). But I have about half an hour until I need to leave, it is 8.15am, and I really would quite like to not look at this work just for a little while.

Also I have just spilt my coffee again... this is funny for anyone who knows how composed I usually appear to be. Spilling coffee is beginning to be my norm. It is no surprise when I look at how many hours of sleep per night I seem to be averaging at, yet somehow I am also being rather efficient with my time. I didn't think I had the capacity to 'do any more'... Yet I have this essay drafted in front of me, I planned a birthday dinner for my mum last night, taken on a couple of new students, and have even gone a little bit mad and spontaneous and booked a trip to Barcelona in a couple of months time to give me some breathing space and soul-fulfilling energy in the middle of my deadlines.

So given that I will be returning to a place where my soul is at home in a couple of months and may even go for an extended stay in summer (all work-dependant...) despite my lack of sleep and increased caffeine intake, I am feeling somewhat motivated and energised to do the things that I need to do. I am keeping my eyes on the horizon rather than on the ground... I think that seems to be working. This being said, I am more than glad it is Friday. I have a weekend ahead of a double-dose of yoga, and hopefully a more relaxed approach to life and work. I feel like my head has been 'stuck in books' so to speak, this week. I sent a draft of my essay for some feedback and was suggested some reading, but I have almost been re-awakened to some issues that I could rant/talk/read/write about for infinite days. So this has been wonderful because work hasn't been a chore; quite the opposite. I have re-discovered the striking and mind-blowing difference and the space that lies in the distance between the power of love and the love of power.

Must go and face the day now... Perhaps with a second coffee.