Seven/Not knowing things

The title of this blog post is pretty unimaginative. I’m writing about not knowing. And it’s the seventh blog post that I’ve written this year here. I have no idea how we’ve reached November. Clocks have gone back. It’s colder. It’s darker (much darker), and I’m spending more time under blankets instead of under the sun. And I am definitely a sun person, so this is something that’s taking some adjusting.

I have tended to write some lengthy posts this year. This one definitely isn’t long, but I wanted to write about a thing that’s been on my mind for a couple of months. I just haven’t yet made the time to write. I have been making time for other things in fact. For moving, for settling, for new job and Scotland life. For recovering from things and letting some of the new things in. How well I’ve been doing these things is another issue! But I’ve been pretty much going by and somehow it is November and things are different.

What I have been thinking about, is what happens when you move and you have to kind of build things up from scratch. Not just build ‘things’, but build relationships – and I guess in many ways, re-build yourself too. Maybe it is because a couple of years ago I was in a similar boat: new place, new job, new people. I've ended up comparing the experience quite often. Quite a few things about me changed when I moved that time. This move has been interesting. The things that have got me are the things that didn’t get me last time. This time I’ve taken my time with at least parts of it. Admittedly not all of it. Definitely should not have launched fully into a PhD annual review when I had barely unpacked boxes in my house and had acquired a chest infection because I don’t know how to stop. The things you learn and re-learn when you really need to be getting at least something right! Definitely lessons for next time or at least next time I have a thing that might be stressful.

When people ask how it’s going or how I am settling, I literally say ‘I don’t know yet’ or ‘it’s early days’ – and I guess it is early days and also I don’t know. These things are true. But it’s quite novel to me, to move with not knowing. And I’ve been thinking at what point do new people become people who are no longer new? At what point in my last place did the new people become people who I hugged, just because I missed them or wanted to show them that I cared? At what point did we get to know small bits about each other that actually are not small things at all? How does that happen? There’s not really a line or a moment when things change. Just they do. But for now, I'm sticking with not knowing. I think I’m alright with that for now.