Sunday, 4 January 2015

'Everyone else my age is an adult'

I was right - my last post was indeed the last of 2014, and here we have arrived. A shiny brand new year. My 365-page book, the first day of the rest of my life, the first page of my next chapter, my adventure into magical wonderland. Whatever it is, it is indeed the new year and I have hopes, as I do every morning that I wake up and get out of bed. But I do hope to goodness that I have not started this year as I mean to go on. It has been good, do not mistake what I mean by that. Take today for example, I have been to a morning yoga class, went on a walk, went on another walk, watched the sun set, witnessed an incredible full moon rise, and ate 'zoodles' AKA zucchini/courgette noodles (my latest vegetable/vegan 'phase' of culinary delights). Oh, and I must not forget - I climbed out of my bedroom window onto my make-shift balcony next to the roof of my house to watch the moonlight fill the sky. It was rather spectacular.

It has been a rather spectacular day really and I like to think that I am simply preserving my motivation for work until the universe really requires me to need it. I am now at least up and running with my new computer, I have made a potentially very exciting decision, and I have even dared to look at my assignments for the coming months. Whilst walking with a friend today, discussing our equally as mad and busy work schedules, she asked what it was that helped me be able to take time to rest - to take time off. And what I told her in response was that it took me working myself so much that I ended up laying in a hospital bed to recognise the toll it had taken on not just my body, but my mind and soul too. And at some point I realised that it was ridiculous, it was sad, and it was simply beyond my comprehension that I should feel it necessary to waste away the preciousness that comes with health, life and time. I valued those three things - it was time I started behaving like I did. It was time I decided to value myself not just as a vessel of productivity and a relentless machine, but as a human being. So I decided to approach life differently. My diary still looks like a mad woman runs it, but my mind feels more at peace when I know it is that way because I choose for it to be.

Nothingness still panics me - free spaces still send me into a world of 'what ifs' and doubt, but I will go into that world anyway and I will go in head first, feet grounded and head high. Facing what makes us truly afraid is supposed to be good for us, some say. It is supposed to make us feel alive.

So today was just good - balcony climbing and sunset chasing. It was good. Tomorrow, however, I might start looking at this essay... My famous last words. The funny thing is, is that I probably will.

'Another belief of mine; that everyone else my age is an adult,whereas I am merely in disguise'
Margaret Atwood

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