1am

I keep meaning to write some more posts but each time I open the page to write, nothing seems to be worthy enough of writing. I feel as though I need life to be filled with crazy-ness again. I do admittedly have a lot to be organizing right now. House, car, sky-high phone bills, university finances, jobs, work placements, making sure I'm getting castings and work, keeping my own sanity under control. I need to go away somewhere, or at least be keeping busy around here.

Since returning from Japan this is the first night I will actually spend back in my own bed. Wow. And this is only because my mother has gone away for the night so I can relax in my own home. It's wonderful. I know when she returns, we shall have to sit down together in a calm moment and discuss my time here until I move out for good next month. I cannot continue living this way and I hope I've provided her with enough space to clear her mind.

'Change' - the daunting word with so much depth. The thing we all avidly try to avoid but it is inevitably something we have to face head-on. Usually at a time when we are most vulnerable and would much rather stay in the safety of our cocoon, wrapped in love and security. But life very rarely hands us the cards we would prefer. This reminds me actually, of a John Mayer song I was listening to while I was driving this afternoon, which now I think about it, also links directly to the conversation I was having with my university tutor this afternoon. 'Don't Stop This Train.' - Essentially a lovely song (which is wonderful when played acoustic) written about life, the presence of time, and the unavoidable speed of change. He writes about how being young and free is almost like a gift given to each of us, but we only realize the unique wonder of that gift once it's too late to retrieve it again. When we grow a little older and realize that time sometimes runs too quickly and we can't keep up. When we realize that we simply cannot understand life when certain aspects are beyond our control. Things will happen and we will question 'why?' and never understand. When we begin to have an appreciation of the 'good' moments and the simplistic joys because we've now experienced enough (even if it's only slightly enough) of life to understand that these moments must be lived to the fullest.. It's only then, that we cannot have that gift of an innocent and youthful mind returned. That mind is beautiful in its own right. A perfect example of an understated, under acknowledged beauty that doesn't even recognise for its-self.  Because time is ever-moving and non-negotiable with it's twists and turns. But one thing is for sure - there is no going back.

The fear is incomprehensible. Of course. The fear is there because it's natural to be afraid. But it also means that living in the moment, living for the day, and appreciating the life you live is possibly the only way to find positivity and inspiration in the pack of cards you were given. Yes, it's just one simple song, an easy listen, and a lovely voice. But the words ring true. I'm feeling pretty thankful for having such lovely influences in the form of my friends and those close to me. I'm a distant person and I'm the 'quiet one' most of the time, but I put my trust into a few and I really feel grateful to have such unique and incredible people fitting so perfectly well into this crazy life.

'So scared of getting older
I'm only good at being young
So I play the numbers game to find a way to say that life has just begun'

I really must get my note pad out again. I haven't written since I was in Japan and I'm missing that outlet.