Sunday, 4 December 2011

Sunday - end of a week, beginning of a month

Technically today is Sunday but it's not yet Sunday in my mind. It's 4am, meaning my mind is still on Saturday-mode. And it's 4th December, so not actually the first day of the month; however, it is my first update of the month. This is simply me aimlessly justifying the title of this post.

You know sometimes we have those weeks that feel as though we will never quite reach the end in one piece? The week begins with a diary over-view and suddenly overwhelming panic strikes. Panic is followed with worry, closely followed with stress.. And then a very necessary cup of tea to bring yourself back down to planet earth. Then the alarm goes off and the madness begins.
Madness, insanity, stupidity, mania, craziness, defiance, foolishness.. (the list of nouns could continue!)

I think I have provided enough clarity as to how my mind has been manically functioning. I had not long arrived back from Cyprus, (suitcase still on bedroom floor and unpacked as I type..) handed in my research methods assignment, done 'something important' at uni.. I say 'important' because quite frankly, that's all I remember due to the brain remembering some form of fuzzy hazy memory by now. Then had a bridal job over on the other side of Manchester. It was pretty good. A long day - quite hard work, and in a beautiful location manor house/hall. But I remember it was cold. It was freezing cold in fact, because there was no heating on the floor we were shooting on. It was THAT rustic and beautiful and old.. There was no heating or light fixtures in the ceilings. But it was beautiful. The other model had her mother with her - which consequently made me miss the comfort of having a loving person take care of me too. I would say this made me miss my own mother, but this would be the wrong comparison to make because having my own mother there would have caused more harm than good!

Anyhow - Back to the shoot. It was pretty good. The client was lovely and really took care of her ice cold to the bones models by providing us with cuddles, fleecy warmed up jackets, soup, and hot cups of coffee and tea throughout the day. She used to model herself, before designing. This always helps because there's a level of understanding that not many others can reach. Despite all the loving warmth, we were still turning a rather purple shade of blue towards the end and I was beginning to wish I had bought my hot water bottle with me. I love the team on that job. Photographer was Sarah Jones - someone I've gotten to know a little more now, having worked with her a fair few times. She is a wonderful person. Wonderfully individual, she puts herself into the picture and yet still knows exactly how to work and create beauty.

Briefly returned to York, back to uni, had a tutorial with my tutor who gave me rather stern words about missing lecture time and that I must sort my priorities out etc.. I tried to explain the commitment that my work requires at times, but in all honesty I was almost fighting a losing battle. So much so that I'm not even wanting to write much of it here. I struggle to understand this particular tutor at times. I hate to resort back to saying that I feel 'misunderstood' - but this is the most relevant phrase that I can concoct. It fits this situation -  and yes - this is exactly how I feel. Her treatment of me feels unjust and uninformed, yet the more I attempt to put a voice to this thought, the bigger the dark hole I dig myself into. So what can I do? Leave it? Get these thoughts out with the few close friends I have at university who take the time to ask about 'me' and not about the 'me' they presume I am who presents herself in pages of glossy retouched photographs without a care or emotion or ounce of humanity to my name or in my bones.
Should I keep quiet and keep my thoughts in my own mind? Perhaps so.

Well, back to York I went, and then back down to London for a job for Boots. I stayed down there a couple of nights - worked. It was good also. I actually enjoyed this shoot. It was easy - good job, brilliant team, we were really well looked after. This was a much needed boost to my deflated mood. I came back up to uni, worked until I could work no longer on my Psychology project proposal, submitted that, did work placement, (which I think I may begin to enjoy once I have a few more sessions under my belt) went to lectures, and have now begun work on the next presentation - which is in a few days time. Hello Sunday - Hello work - Tea is most welcome. No, sleep is most welcome first.


  1. <3 <3 Tanyaaa.... <3

  2. Oh gosh my lover. Get some rest you crazy lady. Hope you're okay xxx