Sunday, 8 January 2012

counting down

Counting down the minutes
Not for anyone or anything in particular, just because, well.. what else is there to do when one is wide awake at 4.40am?
Sleeping patterns are becoming beyond ridiculous.

The past few days have been rather productive, despite the odd habits of sleeping my body has fallen into. I have completed two of my assignments, one being my research proposal, which I had been working on for a good while and feel incredibly relieved to have that one completed. It will potentially be the makings of my dissertation for next year, so I'm hopeful that the tutors will approve. I think I mentioned this before, but I have enjoyed working on that one project. Attachment theory is fascinating to me, as are interpersonal relationships and human interaction.

Now assignments are completed, I have to really focus on revision.
Revision, revision, revision..
It's difficult. Being a perfectionist, implies that I am never really 'finished'. Nothing seems good enough. Nothing ever seems 'just right' - and so work/ revision/ just about anything I do in life, will somehow never quite seem to measure up in my mind.
Could, would, should?... It all means nothing when it's in the past anyway. I am referring to life now. Not work.. But it does get me thinking.
If we accept the fact that we will never measure up, then why do we keep on trying? We insist. We don't give up.. Why is this? Where does this sheer determination and the indefinite 'need' stem from? Perhaps we haven't really accepted life at all. Maybe we will only accept it when it's all too late. When there's no going back. When the moment is history. Once a moment is in the present, it's there for merely a split second. The moment that split second is gone and we can reflect upon it, it then becomes a moment in history. No longer in the 'here and now'. No longer present.

There is actually a lovely piece of writing that reflects the idea of life and the present moment.

'You in reality work in any direction from zero degrees, which is where you are now.
But 'now' doesn't exist.
You are walking backward into a hurricane and can only tell which way to go because of the debris that flies past you. Or you are blown about in this hurricane, judging only the past whether you look into the wind or with it. If you 'see it coming', you have already reduced it to a judgement of the past - since all judgements are necessarily of past experiences.
Best not to worry about direction at all.
Just be.
Direction is already there.'
- Jim Fiddes, College student (term paper).

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