Friday, 29 June 2012

Is it okay?

Is it okay if I am not so okay myself? I ask this with sincerity but I really have no idea who in particular I am asking.
Does anyone have the answers to some of life's troubling dilemmas? Because I certainly am struggling to locate these mystery answers myself. Mystery answers to the questions that i wish i could answer myself. Paradoxically, I think it is me and me alone who can really answer anyway, afterall, it's only my own answer that holds any sense of realistic meaning. It's strange yet exciting how life takes unexpected twists and turns - often unannounced and we are usually unprepared. But these surprising twists and turns usually rely upon some form of direction by ourselves. Decision making and ambition. Long term goals or short term happiness. Whatever the reason may be, we are always seated in the drivers seat whether our foot is firmly on the accelerator, or whether our hands are only gently guiding the steering wheel. This control and responsibility is downright terrifying. And sometimes, just sometimes, I wish there were someone else to help. Maybe even tell us what's right from wrong. Help us decide what the hell it is that we actually want.
By 'us', I am of course, referring to myself.
I don't know any more, and that is a very daunting feeling. I have high expectations of others, which only results in me feeling selfishly let down. I have even higher expectations of myself. Expectations and standards that are impossible to humanly attain. Is it greedy of me to want things to be okay?
Or is it just plain stupid of me to hope for contentment? An ideal that lets face it, may not exist in our perceived reality anyway. Please, someone, step in for me just for a while. Just to provide my brain with a rest. It's becoming almost too much and I want out.
I cannot explain how tempted I am to take a years break from study and work and travel while preparing for third year. It seems like the best option. Third year fills me with feelings of dread and responsibility, not to mention I really am unsure of where I'll even live come September. It would be pretty good to pack up and leave for a while

1 comment:

  1. We need to Skype later.
    The room is her August and any other time you need it.
    I do think you need some time out and even if that is a few weeks (here) where you can think about what is best without having to worry about money, rent etc
    I will text you and see when you are free.
    Hold tight.
    And mail should be with you (and Anna too :))

    Mwahhhh {{{hugs}}}
    With you angel <3