'The range of what we think and do is limited by what we fail to notice
And because we fail to notice, there is little we can do to change
until we notice how failing to notice shapes our thoughts and deeds.'
-R. D. Laing.
I am currently very much in my own haven in the living room of my house on the sofa with the curtains drawn, Christmas tree lights on, and Christmas music playing while I plan my next essay entitled 'Essay on the application of theory.' Seems very blunt. I hope I can bring it to life a little. I have built a list of books I need to get from the library and I'm getting some ideas down on paper for what I need to include in this essay but I really just don't want to step outside into the arctic conditions. I must at least go to town because I have a few things to post. When I'm in town I will already be half way to Uni so may as well go the full way and get some of these books so I can make a start.
I'm not even sure why I am making myself do this work, I have over a month until it's due. Part of me really wants to just get everything out of the way before Christmas because I have had a little taster of what it feels like to relieve the deadline pressure and I like it very much. Also as my tutor likes to acknowledge, I do like to feel in control of these things, and part of that is by being very strict with work in order to avoid feeling like life is falling apart around me yet I am still living and breathing in a zone of disaster. That, is not a nice feeling at all. So, this is why I sit here with my work.
It is strange, that I enjoy learning, because I never really appreciated the value of learning while I was at school. I actually went to a wonderful school that still holds a very strong place in my heart. I went to my classes and achieved well, I revised when I had to and always got my coursework in on time, I was not disliked by teachers and I even had a few friends. Goodness knows how people really perceived me at that time. I did not dislike school, my young mind just held very little awareness of the meaning of learning, other than we revised from text books and had to sit exams, get good grades, and go to University. But that was OK. We don't miss what we never know. The thing is, now I am in my final year of University and have a little understanding and experience behind me, I am making up for those teenage years of never fully appreciating. Maybe it's just what life as a teenager means? Who knows. But I left Uni on Tuesday feeling so appreciative of it all. I don't 'have it all'.. Not even nearly. But I am building up something that feels quite special and right. The feeling that I am on the right path.. It's a nice one, and quite honestly, I'm not sure anything has felt this certain before. I will not allow myself to even anticipate the thought that something may come crashing down at any point.. It won't, if I don't allow it.
So, these are my mid-afternoon thoughts mid-December. As we say, I am fighting the good fight. And I'm now going to embrace the coldness.. This has been a more personal post, spontaneously written, but perhaps now I've actually written these things, the rest of the afternoon will flow.