Saturday, 31 March 2012

energy at 3am

I shall begin with the considerably generalized comment of: So much has happened as of late that I sooner or later follow with the thought, 'I must blog about this'. But these things keep happening, the thoughts keep occurring faster than my mind can keep up with, and this results in a significantly neglected blog and a mind so entirely full up to capacity that I am sat at my desk at 2.30am almost shaking and buzzing from empty, hollow energy. The kind of tired energy. The energy that doesn't switch off no matter how hard you try. The energy that has resulted in me manically laughing like a crazy drunk girl high from the illusions, insanity, and senselessness of life itself.

Granted, today has been a little unbalanced. A good friend of mine has been in hospital, which is always worrying and leaves me feeling helpless and sad. I have a number of people I care about so very much who I wish I could do more than simply 'be there'. Being there is never enough. Or at least it never feels enough.

Anyway - I am going to try to gather together certain things to form a coherent piece of writing for this blog. I know already that it will not be coherent. I wanted to mention the dream I had last night.. I had a dream that an assignment deadline was frighteningly fast approaching. In fact, I had not even written one page and was left with less than an hour to finish the essay. Clearly an impossible task. This dream occurred when I had dozed off to sleep at midnight and woken up at 1am. I woke up in such a panic over the 'dream-deadline' that I fired off an email to my tutor asking for a tutorial with her over the Easter holidays because I needed to see her sooner than three weeks time. She is wonderfully helpful, so she proceeded to reply to this email promptly at 9.30 this morning offering me a meeting with her on Monday morning. I of course read this email feeling rather confused until I realized that actually, in my 1am dazed and dream-like panic, I had emailed her. Oh my.

On a lighter note, it has been what can only be described as gloriously warm weather. Coats have not been required and I have even indulged in purchasing some pastel shade nail polish and some semi-outrageous floral sunglasses to greatly welcome the sun into life. Wonderful, wonderful sun. An ever-natural anti-depressant. The little snippets of spare time I have had, have been spent outside in the gardens of York city enjoying beverages either alone with a book and lovely music, or with a friend. Music, books, contemplation, lectures, writing, thoughts, more reflective philosophical contemplation, and work, placement, planning appointments, food diaries, jobs, possible jobs, and more. I worked a couple of days this week - a shoot for Victoria Quarter magazine again. It's always nice to get booked again from clients you have worked for before. It was hard work - but work is always good. And an excuse to go home and see my lovely sister (partly because she does brilliant massages for a thirteen year old).

This week has also been a reminder than lifting the caffeine ban was a bloody brilliant decision. How did I cope a year without it?? I do not know. The little kick of a small dose of caffeine is well and truly welcomed with open arms back into life. Perhaps this is a contributing factor as to why I am still buzzing at almost 3am? Perhaps, perhaps? Goodness only knows. They do say (the wise old creatures we often refer to as 'they') - that the night is wasted on sleep. Like youth is wasted on the young, supposedly. Why sleep just because the sun goes down? The world doesn't stop moving round and round. Time doesn't freeze. We don't stop breathing. Unfortunately we are not super-human and some things are beyond all we will ever have the power to control.

I have been adopting very philosophical thinking as of late. Very, very thoughtful and reflective ways of thinking. Anna very wisely said that we are all philosophers in our own right. I actually like this and agree. How incredible it would be to be a philosopher. The more I read (I am reading a brilliant book at the moment), the more I learn about people, the more I work - both academically and otherwise, the more I open my eyes to the world.. I just think. I do sit quietly and think. I shall without a doubt share some of these thoughts - and of course some words from the said book too. There are endless beautiful words for me to remember in there. It's one that's providing me with a little knowledge for one of my assignments, called 'Necessary Losses'. And somehow I'm relating a lot. I know why. But the way it is written also, it compliments my patterns of thought and my way of relating to the world and myself.

I shall stop my ramblings before I lose the will to stop myself!
Hot chocolate shall be made
Book, then sleep.. And hopefully no midnight panic emails to the tutor this evening.
Happy Easter holidays (as of now I have three weeks off university. Let's hope I get lots of jobs)

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