Tuesday, 11 September 2012

step by step

'one step at a time'
Often, when myself or a friend is feeling overwhelmed when faced with decisions about plans, life, commitments, etc.. the best advice we have to offer is to take things one step at a time. Each small managable step towards the finish line. It is such simple advice, yet the best and sometimes only way to move forward in  manner which feels controlled and comfortable really is by breaking down our plans into steps.

This being kept in mind, I booked a night back in the north to view houses for when I move back to York for third year. Steff and I met for tea and we went to view a house which I instantly liked a lot, called the landlord, and the next day, had confirmed it. I cancelled the other viewings we had planned because keeping things simple seemed like the best option. Plus, I may have fallen slightly in love with the house. It's a small two bedroomed house in an area I love and know very well, to share with a girl who already lives there and is a year older than me, studying her phd.

I have so many positive feelings about this coming year. I'm excited to return to York and complete my degree. I have been uncertain about this for so, so long. Uncertain as to whether I'd stay in London for a year, modelling, and defering my third year until I feel ready to go back. As much as this idea is still srangely appealing, it's not realistic for the here and now. In (almost) nine months time I will have finished at University and will be able to move here to London, but I have to firmly keep my feet always touching the ground. My head belongs in the sky, up in the clouds.. It always has done and most probably always will do. I day dream and I enjoy co-existing in two beautiful, parallel worlds. The world in the sky allows me to day dream and fantasise and live in a way which the realities of the boundaried world doesn't always allow. It keeps me on my toes, living on the edge, as such. I can take risks and seize the moment and live like all the great philosophers wished they had done. But my feet? They always, always, remain on the ground. I would lose myself entirely if I didn't remain in touch with reality. The part of me which exists with my feet on the ground allows me to plan ahead, to think with clarity, to understand that I will grow older and I WANT to be happy. I want to have created a life for myself that fills me with happiness, security, and one where I never fall into such a mundane pattern that makes me wish I had the courage to lose the will to live completely.

So my conclusion? It was wonderful to be on home turf, if only for 24 hours. York feels so much like home. Yet the most strangely wonderful feeling was, when I was returning back to London. I was leaving my home town feeling very happy about life, but it felt like I was coming back home to London aswell. Where is my HOME!?? I suppose I am lucky to feel comfortable and familiar with the city I am working in, so much so that it stops me missing the life I go back to next month. But it doesn't prevent me looking into the future with happiness.vIt's a fine, fine balancing act, living in the moment with enough awareness that tomorrow comes and sometimes the moment isn't enough.

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