'Using your heart as a guide to what you find beautiful is the best way.'
- Tim Walker, Story Teller, 2012.
Much of this evening I have been writing and researching for my research project on Tim Walker that I am currently working on. It is about half way there now, and I admit, I am quite enjoying learning more about this man. He has some powerfully insightful thoughts about the way he views the world and how he reacts to what he sees in order for it to make sense and feel beautiful for him. After all, how can we feel at home in a place that we don't entirely understand?
I wanted to share the above words because they really resonate with much of my own current thought processes and most definitely summarize today. I am in my final year of University, about to embark on the final modules in fact. And that, in itself is quite possibly the most real it has ever felt. Endings are not a concept I think of fondly, but this must change because the more of life we live, the more endings we must embrace and it will do no good to go about life constantly dreading the goodbyes and forgetting to live in the process. This ending in May not only signifies the end of a degree and saying goodbye to a place and people I have grown close to, but it actually means the ending of a degree of security... I will no longer have the financial safety of a student loan to cover the rent of my house and my tuition fees. I will be a year older, there will be higher expectations of me, I am faced with the internal battle of whether the sacrifice of moving back home will be for the greater good in order to save money, or whether continuing living as I do now is best in order to protect my own sanity. And in addition to this, I will (hopefully) be beginning my Masters course. I have to feel capable of this.. I have to know that each area of my life that I've spent my lifetime so far nurturing and developing is not going to fall to pieces at the first sign of change. I have to feel safe in my knowledge that I am capable and in following what feels right; what I value the most, that somehow things will be OK.
I am the only one responsible for making it OK, and it is becoming strikingly clear to me, that the only way to find your way is by trusting and keeping the things that matter held firmly in your life. I spoke to my mother last night over the phone, and I remember this phrase that I said and it's been in my mind all day: 'How have I created this life for myself.. Is this really my life?' I said this almost in disbelief, from a very positive and affirming mindset. Because I seem to have combined all the things I value and never thought could work together, but they do. I suppose the fear is that when I graduate and I lose a little financial security, that I will no longer have the freedom and flexible lifestyle needed to maintain the modelling career I have, or that my voluntary work will have to be sacrificed, or I will be unable to pursue my writing aspirations, that I will just be in over my head. I had been convinced that your life path is one solid path only, but I am learning that it's not. We have to combine the things that make us whole otherwise it's not really life at all.
Perhaps I am merely writing this to ease my mind and somehow convince myself of those words we are often told: Trust in the process. Follow what we find beautiful: the exquisite philosophy this post is named after. If we do that, there can only be more beauty to be discovered.