Tuesday, 19 February 2013

on trusting in the process

All the days and weeks seem to be spinning ever so fast at the moment. Hours and days and weeks all roll into one continuous stream of emails, bookings, dinners, lectures, reading, wine, photoshoots, train journeys, birthdays, dissertation, meetings, tutorials, disrupted sleep, friends in need, me needing friends, snow, rain, sunshine, agents, writing, learning, planning ahead, application forms, worries and anticipation and fear and just life. Life is so filled with such momentous and essential things that I find myself doing/thinking/feeling the most irrational things at times because the 'current being' is not at all being given a glance. There is so much focus on the future and completing to-do lists and responding to emails and requests and bookings that the entire concept of just 'being' does not feel lived out at all. Or perhaps it is. If life really is the way we choose it to be and we really do create our own experience, then perhaps this is 'being' after all.

'Being' is to be surrounded by life and all the things that involves. I always assumed that such a concept requires us to position ourselves somewhere on the circumference of life's great circle because being in the middle of the chaos is too busy and the noise clouds our ability to just peacefully be. I see now that my reality is not a peaceful view from the outside; it is very much madness and a life of so many things to do. So I either drown in the chaos or I approach each day armed with as much determination as humanly possible.

There are always jobs and castings and work that comes up. Admittedly, some months much more than others. Most models know and adapt to a job that's almost like a game of opposite ends - all or nothing. Such an ideal as a 'happy medium' doesn't quite exist. This would be considered a 'perfect world', and as helpfully highlighted last week by my dissertation supervisor at University, although we are quite aware that a 'perfect world' only exists in the imagination of certain idealist types, even if it did really exist, it might not be as appealing as we anticipate it to be. To be an imperfect being in a perfect world.. How would one survive?

I am finding time for those important to me. No matter what, I think that must be maintained. I spent the evening at home last night  and was able to have much needed conversations with my mum before celebrating Moor's birthday over cupcakes, flowers, dinner, and cocktails. Then I had a coffee with Janine this morning, a friend from home who I used to work with before life became this crazy one I seem to have now. I was even able to catch Brys for a short while before taking the train back to York. I now have an hour or so spare before going to visit another friend in Leeds this evening. These things are all so important. It is beyond important to make time for the people who make a difference, because life has a funny and often ironic way of presenting itself - we must 'be' with those that matter for the time that we do have. Who knows how it might change.

A lot of energy over the past while has been spent going over and over in my mind and with a couple of tutors, friends, and my mum my options and applications for my Masters. I have a very powerful head vs heart debate going on and it's both full of so much freedom yet such a desire to do what feels right and safe and sensible all at the same time. I will make all these things exist - my mind will make it so. And I will equally trust in the process of the next few months in the hopes that clarity is found. Positive energy... All the positive energy is required for this next step. My vision of how I'd like next year to look is starting to form into a reality. I'm sitting at my laptop right now and have just had an email from one of my references saying that they have already received their reference request - a sure sign that the university are on the ball with getting the interview process moving. Following some conversations with my tutor and mum that have proved beyond helpful,  I actually feel incredibly well supported in something that could otherwise seem quite lonely. Although this is undoubtedly the first time I've had to make decisions like this, I am going down a route that most definitely seems good for now. Trusting in the process... (and convincing myself that this is enough!)

So, it is a fact: Life has become very very full indeed. Post grad applications are submitted, dissertation mission is underway, placement and work opportunities are always being explored, I am determined to be saving as much money as I can, which means a commitment to working as much as I can, and I cannot find it in myself to sacrifice time spent with the people important to me.

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