I am refusing to allow my workload to be the reason I lose my mind. I am not drowning, I am not destroying little pieces of my soul one by one, I am not dropping my juggling balls left right and centre, and I certainly will remain on top of 'things'.
What are these 'things' that I must remain on top of? Yesterday I did a modelling job where I was shooting some sportswear looks in the morning. I was asked to do various things, including skipping with a skipping rope and playing throw and catch with a ball. Not only did this bring back memories of high school and my sheer determination to escape the curse of long legs and being placed in the netball and cross-country running team, but it made me realize how inadequate my fitness levels really are. What was most entertaining about these requests, was not my sense of high school nostalgia, but that I couldn't think of any other job in which I would have such a pleased and large audience, and where the clients would be so ecstatically happy with me playing fake skipping and ball games.
Now, I didn't actually throw or catch the ball... Oh no. I just had the ball thrown at me over and over again and I was required to elegantly jump in a convincing manner towards the direction of this football as it was hurtling at my face while remaining 'beautiful'. I had a wind machine blowing freezing cold and very strong wind at me, and I was told not to move my head too much because I couldn't ruin my hair. I also could only show the front of the garments because they were pinned at my back and I was asked not mask my face with my arms as I reached up to fake catch the flying football. Until such a challenge is presented, one will never know how hard the reality is! Again, beautiful photographs represent many things, but they do not accurately represent the journey and process of getting there.
For me, I will always find this part of my job intriguing, yet the most truly destroying and paradoxical thing. We aim to capture beauty, reality, truthfulness... And sometimes this is done. It's so, so beautiful when it's done. But so often with art, when money is involved, the real essence is forgotten and it becomes something else entirely. This is a job where generally our reputation, our 'money maker', and our strength and capacity to be good at our job are predominantly judged upon our waist and hip measurement, our height, and our 'flawless' complexion, and whether red hair happens to be 'in' this season. Obviously, such 'perfect' ideals are impossible to attain, and even more impossible when perhaps the 'look' of the season is pale and dark haired and 6ft tall, when you happen to be a 5ft 8 redhead. There's only so much power we have over Mother Nature. There comes a point where we must accept, embrace, and appreciate. And perhaps at some point along the line, we forget that somebody out there once thought that what we had was good enough anyway. it was their world, their subjective perceived perfection. Not actual perfection, but imperfectly perfect enough. It just takes one hell of a journey to find that realization
Of course, as I often write about; life and indeed modelling is about far more than appearances. We must never judge a book by it's front cover, so they say. They can be misleading. They don't mean to be, but they want to impress so much that they lose sight of the real substance. However, it seems that when working as part of an industry where the 'image' is the end goal, and this image is the tool for making money, then appearances, in context, hold more weight and are worth much, much more.
Away from work and onto more work; my dissertation. I'm not in denial... I am indeed very much submerged deep in the middle at the moment. I have my data, I've analysed this data, I've attempted to write it up but my supervisor thinks I need to make some changes. Currently these changes seem simple, but in reality I have a rather irrational, yet very persistent fear of messing this whole thing up. You know that old familiar thought: 'Whatever I do, it's never good enough...'. Coming from a background where attaining perfect standards is everything, I need to accept that this is one thing that will never be perfect. Nothing will ever be perfect; the world is not perfect, we are not perfect, perfect does not exist. This may be a bigger learning curve than anticipated. Back to my trusty phrase... 'Trusting in the process'...
Once this blog is posted, I shall return focus to this section and re-construct it, change it, and send it back to be checked. My redheaded/Taurean streak of determination has not been lost just yet. Regardless of whether it's lost or found, I need to locate it and bring it firmly back to my very core for tomorrow. I have an interview which I have to be absolutely present and focused for, and it is my brother's 21st birthday. I get to spend the evening with family and this will require my full presence. It will be wonderful, but I must leave my stress at home.
To living, writing, working, researching, trusting, booking jobs, and stepping up in this world. To channeling my Taurean determination, and to loving all.