Tuesday, 30 April 2013

Ten steps ahead?

I finally have time to post a blog... a brief post nonetheless. I am sat in my living room having just this minute submitted the Clinical Psychology essay which is due in three days. One down, many more to go... But one down is a better position than where I was at this morning. Well, this morning I woke up sufficiently exhausted after what can only be described as a day of complete madness the day before. I woke with a faint post-wine headache and my best friend urging me to wake up so we could go for coffee before she had to leave York. We did go for a soy cappuccino and macaroons and it was really, really lovely.

In fact not only was yesterday complete madness, I had a tutorial first thing in the morning, then went to Manchester to check in at the agency and go for a casting. I also had a really exciting travel opportunity to Mumbai given to me which I'm currently debating. I knew my 'serious' head would be challenged in the not too distant future. Do I practice what I preach and grab life and all it has to offer me? Open the doors which are practically opened for me? Or do I stick around for something else which might be part of the bigger picture? Key word being 'might'... It's that phrase 'Carpe Diem' - How can we ever really seize the moment and live freely with an open-minded attitude if we're constantly living ten steps ahead of ourselves? Living ten steps ahead is a sure fire way to kill any chance of truly seizing the opportunities that the moment provides. It actually blinds us a little to what might have been because we are so certain that the future is all that matters. The present shapes the future... Therefore, in order to shape the best future for ourselves, surely we must focus on shaping the best life we can for what we have right now. We cannot neglect the present. Surely it's better while I'm still relatively commitment free (other than my house) to do a little travelling again and embrace the aspects of travelling that I know I love. I have spent two summers living away and out of a suitcase... it comes with pros and cons and it's sparked off all sorts of questions in my mind.

Anyway, yesterday - after casting I rushed across town to a job that afternoon and evening. I arrived back home at approximately 11.30pm when Anna and I drank wine until the point where our memories fade into sleep. It was one of those days where I have to step back and have a reality check in order to keep myself in the real world. It's one of those weeks really.. Weeks, months, years.

I have to say, submitting this assignment is simultaneous minor relief but mainly much trepidation because I know there's much more ahead. My perfectionism is striving right now to make it near impossible for me to feel like what I'm doing is even approaching being measurably good enough. But hey, we have to maintain that driving power. It's part of motivation and life, but it's also a little soul destroying. Bitter-sweet balance must be achieved.

Madness illustrated via pictures...

1 comment:

  1. Tanya, I say go with your gut! It always knows best! Also, I'm with you where I find myself stuck trying to see where things will get me, if it's worth it... but I think I've learned that it's important to think about this stuff, but also to be aware of the present to not let the fleeting moments pass us by.. Good luck!