Tuesday, 30 November 2010

Mysterious and marvelous

“I have grown to love secrecy. It seems to be the one thing that can make modern life mysterious or marvelous to us. The commonest thing is delightful if one only hides it. When I leave town now I never tell my people where I am going. If I did, I would lose all my pleasure. It is a silly habit, I dare say, but somehow it seems to bring a great deal of romance into one’s life.”

  Oscar Wilde

It's been another lovely day of snow and hot chocolates and wrapping up warm, listening to the likes of Norah Jones, Oasis, James Blunt, and Laura Marling.
I have taken it upon myself to change my meds. Only slightly.. It's allowed, hey? Who's to stop me? Doubt I should be writing that, but I don't really know who will read it. There's an example of one of my little 'secrets'.

I had a conversation with someone today, someone I've known for a long time now. He knows me very well.. It's quite scary actually, but he's one of those friends who knows me better than I know myself. Maybe that's why I have that tendancy to push him away, because I know that he's always there, no matter what. It upsets me that my own messed up head even affects our friendship. It's difficult to explain that I actually thrive from keeping myself at a certain distance from others. I let a select few in, I keep others an arms width from me, and I live inside four walls in which I refuse to let anyone else in. Seems very lonely and potentially quite selfish. I don't have a big secret - but my 'issues' do survive from secrecy. I've become a pro at lies, manipulative and deceitful little lies. I hate that. Lies lies lies. I can't stand lies.
But now I'm getting a little sidetracked.

What I want to say, is that by keeping myself to myself, it means that I feel somewhat safe. A comfortable safety where I don't really let many people in because I'm afraid that what they'll see isn't what they think I am. Infact, I worry that I don't even know these parts myself. So I'm afraid of discovering the unknown too.

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