I usually have a vague plan of what I'll write about but I haven't really thought ahead with this one tonight. Today has left me with so many thoughts, but I am not quite sure of how to write them down. It snowed today, which was highly surprising! Awoke this morning to a white sky filled with snow, and then drove over to Tollerton for a shoot at Burn Hall.
I had been looking forward to this day because of seeing friends and also working with John, who I haven't seen in a bloody long time. I enjoyed the day very much, although I have to admit, I am now shattered. I had used every last remaining morsel of energy in my body to attempt keeping myself warm, so I struggled a lot to keep up with the day. It seemed incredibly fast paced, and very very busy! It was great because I met a lot of lovely people and once again, learnt some new techniques from the people behind the camera rather than from my own experience as a model.
After spending a good few first hours shooting outdoors, I completely lost it. I feel like an idiot. I don't know how this happened but I just lost all control of my emotions and couldn't stop myself from crying. It was initially the coldness. I had become too cold to contain myself, it hurt to breathe, so I just cried. Also, it was probably me feeling overwhelmed with so many people, and my ridiculous self, feeling panicked with the lunch/food situation. Then the feeling overtook my mind that it had all become too much. Just too much. An insanely busy week left me with a strange mixture of emotions, and I suppose I felt so hopeless not being strong enough to manage today, that it broke me down. Like an idiot.
I am currently laying in bed, wrapped up, feeling too tired to even make myself some soup.
I just typed 'I want to curl up and die.' But then deleted the typing because I realised it's not the most positive way to end a post. But, the thought is pretty prominent.
If I break down over something so insignificant, maybe I am not as 'okay' as I seem to think.