Saturday, 19 February 2011


I usually have a vague plan of what I'll write about but I haven't really thought ahead with this one tonight. Today has left me with so many thoughts, but I am not quite sure of how to write them down. It snowed today, which was highly surprising! Awoke this morning to a white sky filled with snow, and then drove over to Tollerton for a shoot at Burn Hall.

I had been looking forward to this day because of seeing friends and also working with John, who I haven't seen in a bloody long time. I enjoyed the day very much, although I have to admit, I am now shattered. I had used every last remaining morsel of energy in my body to attempt keeping myself warm, so I struggled a lot to keep up with the day. It seemed incredibly fast paced, and very very busy! It was great because I met a lot of lovely people and once again, learnt some new techniques from the people behind the camera rather than from my own experience as a model.

After spending a good few first hours shooting outdoors, I completely lost it. I feel like an idiot. I don't know how this happened but I just lost all control of my emotions and couldn't stop myself from crying. It was initially the coldness. I had become too cold to contain myself, it hurt to breathe, so I just cried. Also, it was probably me feeling overwhelmed with so many people, and my ridiculous self, feeling panicked with the lunch/food situation. Then the feeling overtook my mind that it had all become too much. Just too much. An insanely busy week left me with a strange mixture of emotions, and I suppose I felt so hopeless not being strong enough to manage today, that it broke me down. Like an idiot.

I am currently laying in bed, wrapped up, feeling too tired to even make myself some soup.
I just typed 'I want to curl up and die.' But then deleted the typing because I realised it's not the most positive way to end a post. But, the thought is pretty prominent.

If I break down over something so insignificant, maybe I am not as 'okay' as I seem to think.


  1. (((hugs))

    I am here if you need me my darling xxxx

  2. I have heard nothing but praise from everyone who worked with you and I'm only sorry that I didn't get more opportunity to take your picture. As you are officially one of the most beautiful people I know, both physically and spiritually, then you know you have my absolute admiration and love.

    Seen some amazing pictures from the hard work you put in, sharing your abilities with photographers at all levels of ability and making their job so much easier x