Wednesday, 9 February 2011

Midnight stream of consciousness

'It's really a wonder that I haven't dropped all my ideals, because they seem so absurd and impossible to carry out. Yet I keep them, because in spite of everything, I still believe people are really good at heart.'
Anne Frank.

I am certainly reminded of myself here - purely because of the absurd ideals I hold and the continuous feeling of worthlessness when I am yet again proven to expect too much. A seemingly random thought to have running through my mind at this time. It's something my mother always reminds me of. 'Tan, you are a good person.. But you can't always expect people to treat you in the same manner.' My mother always offers words that I don't really want to hear, yet I know there is truth in them.

I grew up being taught to 'put others before yourself'. The intention, I'm sure, was to teach morality and selflessness to encourage my growth into a beautifully perfect being. Of course I grew up being lovely and polite and caring towards others, remaining very calm and passive myself. I didn't have a voice, and I didn't even once stop to consider other people's behaviour towards myself. Just continued to be a shining example, 'happily' ignoring the shit, because heaven forbid, should I even acknowledge the half of my home life, I would become sad. Sadness would mean perhaps attracting attention and loving care towards myself.. I did not deserve this. Goodness. How selfish of me to even consider that someone would ever stop to notice me and love me. This then embedded within me, the conditions of self worth - being that I am only a worthy person and deserving of love if I am selfless and think of others before considering myself. I must be kind to others. I must punish myself if I am not the best I can be. I am not worthy of love.

Just something that's been running through my mind over and over today. I needed to write about it, otherwise I have no hope of sleeping tonight. It's already 1am and I'm clearly not in the sleeping frame of mind.

I am actually very tired after a crazy day today. I began with a mammoth sized to-do list, which partly is lovely because I oddly enjoy lists. My entire life is managed through lists and schedules. However, it is still stressful because there is never enough hours in the day and the pressure is immense at times. My diary is so useful because without each day's schedule written down in black and white, I would probably lose sense of where I am and what I'm doing next. I like to feel organised and in control. Oh, it seems to fit well but I dislike that word 'control'. The term is used so loosely and has many assumptions attached to it, especially with the professionals and specialists who think they know so well. 

'You see.. You have a tendency to use food and weight as a means to control a life that otherwise feels very out of control.'

Oh, really? Well thank you for that ever so thoughtful insight. I am now cured, obviously. Your years of training, learning, and dedication have paid off. Thank you. You clearly understand my mind better than I do myself. I will go and live happily ever after now.

My mood has been at all extremes today. It's kind of exhausting. I already have a lot of uni work....

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