Friday, 18 February 2011

Keeping up with my own life.

Keeping up with my own life is more difficult than it sounds.
I think this will be a very short and sweet update but I haven't posted for a good few days so I felt the need to do so before I attempt some sleep.

Last night I had the most horrific experience while drifting off to sleep. I must have been exhausted. It had been a busy day yesterday - morning in Manchester at the agency and then straight up to the uni library to get some books out and get my head into work. Then home and awake quite late preparing for today's seminar (assessment, run by myself a couple of others). So, back to the point. I was very much awake but my body was too tired to stay awake. I was laying on my bed, eyes closed and the most vivid scenes happened in my mind. Like nightmares, but terrifyingly realistic. Oh my goodness, I had to completely shake myself out of them just for a reminder of reality. Horrible experience.

I am very relieved today has come to an end. Uni seemed to last forever and a day. I always forget how much energy just brain power alone uses. I wish I could sleep for weeks but I have to get up early again tomorrow morning for a rather exciting casting. Then an actual job in the afternoon - a lookbook shoot I think.

Emotionally and physically drained.

I wish I could love myself enough to allow my body what it so desperately needs, but that feels near to impossible these days. I find that I can have all the good intentions in the world, but what if my mind has 'intentions' of it's own? The mind is such an overpowering influence, that the boundaries are blurred between my logical self and my irrational mind. That's when it crosses into dangerous territory. Possibly even worse when I acknowledge this but I don't think I care enough to make any changes. I want to care.. Of course I do. I think so damn much about this.

Maybe I just need more time to think? Thinking is also dangerous. Oh, I am absolutely rambling on and on. This is a very disjointed post. That's the word. I feel disjointed.

Sleep, I reckon

1 comment:

  1. If you cannot nurture yourself alone, you need to seek help for it.
    The mind may be tough on you, but the body is less forgiving, and can only, take, so much.
    You need to fight to stay well angel.
    Or this will all crash and burn out.
    We are not super human (even though we may think we are)