Theatre

Bryony and I went to the Royal Hall this evening to see the latest HSAP show, a cabaret style showcase, and we absolutely loved it. HSAP is an amateur production company which I am a member of and sometimes perform in, although I haven't done the last couple of shows. The first show I did with them was one which i will always remember and I reckon it is the best one I ever did. We Will Rock You. I went to watch this evening because after five years of being a part of the company, I have become close to some of the people there, including two of my lovely friends, Niki and Natalie whom I adore very much, and needless to say, were fabulous tonight.

I have not performed in a show for a while now. At least a year. It makes me sad, because sitting in the audience watching my talented friends quite clearly enjoying themselves doing what they do best is lovely, but it reminds me of what used to be such a predominant part of who I am. Well, I just miss it. I used to be ever so reserved and quiet, yes. But I was 'Tanya the dancer, Tanya the theatre lover, Tanya the artist, Tanya the performer..' Whereas who am I now? I know I still have those aspects in my heart somewhere. Of course I do, otherwise I would not have the capacity for such appreciation for all things beautiful, theatrical and musical, but I have much much more on the surface now. Perhaps it is otherwise known as 'growing up', or using those years to learn about myself. I don't know. I just hope I am not hiding the foundations of myself too much. When I see some people I went to school with and they hesitate whether or not to simply say hello. It makes me question myself.

I am a model. Most people do know that. I am at university, and somewhere along the line, I have discovered a level of confidence in myself that I never imagined I'd find. When a loser kid yells abusive 'ginger' comments directed at me in the street, which yes, some STILL do. I am not afraid to walk right next to them as I pass. I smile, and I look them in the eye. Whereas before, I would have been so afraid that I would cross the road and walk an entirely different route home while feeling shit, ugly, and wishing I were someone else.

Oh, how things have changed. I am still me though. I am still me.