Mid-week update. Although I really am not sure what exactly I should update about. A strange mixture of emotions and interactions have happened this week, which means there would be a very disjointed bundle of sentances and thoughts in this post.
On a random note though, Supersize vs Superskinny was back on television tonight. I really like watching Dr Christian Jessen and I don't think I have to explain why I think that programme is a good'un. I have been a very royal Queen of procrastination ce soir. Oh dear, I really have. I left uni late this afternoon saying, 'I will write the first eight hundred words of this essay this evening.' and all I have done, is burn my coconut and orchid scented candles, eat soup, drink tea, and watch television. I haven't even begun to look at any work this evening. Tomorrow, maybe. The vague essay plan is written. I don't know how it's reached almost midnight. Time flies when you're having fun, right? Or at least, that's what they say. Whoever 'they' are.
Tomorrow I have a day off. Ah, I wish I didn't have so many days off at the moment. I wonder why I'm not as busy as usual? I need to sort this out. Work harder.
Well, anyway. Yes, tomorrow is a day off, so I shall work then. But my mother is also working from home tomorrow, which could potentially be very awkward and just unpleasant. I don't know exactly what has changed, but I do know that we are not on the best of terms these days. I feel like her entire attitude towards me is changing, like she's not even my mother any more. Almost like she would much prefer me leaving and 'sorting my head out'.. (words from herself) No need to mention that this is making me feel like shit. Absolutely like I couldn't be more unwelcome in my own home. This is a reaccuring feeling that I know I need to address but I fear it's not just another irrational belief, that my feelings are correct.
I am going to do a bit of reading..
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You are entitled to your feelings, and regardless of the perspective or rationality of them, they are yours and they are what you feel.
ReplyDeleteI often think it is too easy for us to critique what we feel, and what I have learnt through all these years of recovery and therapy, is that I can have my feelings.
I am allowed those feelings, and often, accepting what I am feeling rather than judging it, gets me far further.
There may be a distance with your mum.
Illness is difficult, growing away from home, building our own lives is hard on mums.
And maybe, if you feel the relationship is worth the time, you could maybe spend some time with her and even address the distance you feel.
You are what you are my darling, and that has to be good enough {{{hugs}}}
And you work hard enough.
Allow yourself your days off.
Mwahh, thoughts are with you xxxx