Thursday, 16 December 2010

The illusion of power

'Mystery evokes the illusion of power; Transparency dissolves it.'
Dave Mearns and Brian Thorne (Person Centredness)

Perhaps I enjoy my course reading list books a little too much. I keep finding all these interesting quotes and references and I relate to them so much.
In my mind, this couldn't be more relevant to my own way of living and my perception of how others see me. Honestly. 
My shyness and my quietness (sometimes awkwardness) can sometimes be misinterpreted as confident arrogance because I have a lot of defence mechanisms working. Brick walls are built all around me for protection. I feel safe when no-one can see me. No one can judge because they have nothing to base their judgements on. By hiding myself from the world, I appear to be a mysterious creature who could be anything you want me to be. I can be happy, if that's what you want? I can be a wonderful, strong, and inspiring young woman if you like? Or I can disappear if that will make your life easier? I will become invisible.

Because of this mystery, there is a certain air of 'je ne sais quois' - We cannot quite put a label on it. No one knows exactly what it is, but we do know that it's a powerful thing. It's a beautifully wonderful and powerful air of grace and elegance flowing through the bones.

But you see - if this beautiful mystery is based on insecurities and a desperate attempt to avoid the soul, then where is the beauty? Why does it appeal? Is it because I feel safer in this cocoon of fantasy? It feels powerful to outsiders because they don't see the confusion. They don't see anything. I have all control. That's the beauty in control. The truth is, I am terrified beyond belief of what is lurking underneath. The unknown is a deep and dark void of hopeless nothingness. Empty nothingness.

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