Sunday, 19 December 2010

Who knew?

Wow. I'm struggling with where to begin.
I'm feeling somewhat in a good place today. I have been awake for hours but have remained comfortably in my pyjamas in bed and it's gone 12pm. Oops!

Friday was a fabulous day for me. It was proof that even if I wake up in a terrible mood, feeling rather depressed and very much like I want to cut myself off from the world - that actually if I push past that feeling and 'just get on with it' (I dislike that phrase!)But if I do try my very best to do what I have to do, despite feeling like death and that I do not want my existence to be acknowledged, then I can still let others help me have a much better day.

My appointment on Friday morning was one I was dreading a little. I am feeling positive about the sessions at the moment because wee are having a bit of a breakthrough. But there is also a certain sense of apprehension because I somehow feel unwanted there.. Like I can easily be passed onto someone else because even after a good few years, they still don't know how to 'fix' me. It seems like I'm at a standstill. And even they don't know which way I should go, so it's very difficult to please them and to do what's expected of me when my mind makes it impossible to do so. It frustrates me because there's something rather powerful stopping me making changes. Perhaps I am scared of myself? Maybe I don't trust myself. Apparently I don't know who I am. That's an incredibly frightening though. Maybe it's that. My lack of self acceptance and understanding is stopping me. It's a little ironic - I am my own worst enemy and I feel so meaningless and weak yet there's something with such power and strength there.

I must trust myself. Love and accept myself. But I don't have a clue who I am.

I am okay though. Oh yes. That's what I say.

It did go well. I left the session feeling like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. She told me that I'd come a very long way from the first time she met me. It felt like a very appropriate thing to say at an ending.. As if she was preparing to shift me onto the next person attempting to cure me. But all those thoughts aside, she somehow let me believe her. I felt comfortable enough to feel like progress is a good thing. Anyone who has been though this issue can understand that accepting your progress as a positive thing is incredibly difficult.

The good morning turned into an even better afternoon. I drove over to York to see my absolutely beautiful friend Anna. She is a beautiful shining diamond and she doesn't even realise it. We had a fabulous time, drinking coffee all afternoon, strolling through the Christmassy streets of York as it turned dark, and then spending the evening drinking vodka and eating sweets and chatting, dancing, discussing pills and Prozac, and all things related, listening to some lovely tunes, and putting the world to rights. I love how we manage to make everything seem okay. It's funny.. But in a not so funny way :)

Here are a few snaps from the evening:

We slept the drink away and then spent Saturday seeing Stef. Stef is one of a kind and absolutely brilliantly laid back and calm. I am determined that after new year I will go to see her play. She dedicates so much time to music and I know she must be wonderful yet I haven't even seen her play yet.

After driving home and arriving back in the slightly snowed upon Harrogate, I went into town to see Kate and Moor for some festive drinks and chats. It was lovely! So lovely to see them. In a way I can be bought back down to earth by spending time with girls who are wonderful yet have such a refreshing view on life. I very much enjoyed our chats but I can't help noticing my complete and total lack of ability to feel comfortable in a busy bar. Gosh. The loudness and the people and the way you feel insignificantly invisible. It's overwhelming.

I've written probably enough to last the whole week.
Well done for getting through this if you have actually reached the end.


1 comment:

  1. It's funny in a not very funny kind of way, hahaha, actually was one of the best nights ever.
    Love you so so so much! xxxxxx