Mothers day is always so incredibly close to my mother's birthday so it always feels like March/April time is definitely the time of year when my mother is very thankful she has four children to spoil her rotten. When my mother was born back in 1967, she was actually born on Mothering Sunday. I've always thought, what a wonderful gift to my nan that must have been. Well, besides the obvious process of giving birth.
I am aware that I do not want to sound melodramatic or spiteful, but this year especially, it has been difficult to act 'flowery' and like the perfect daughter when there is such a temperamental relationship between me and my mother. By temperamental, I mean very touch-and-go. Very unpredictable and rocky. I love my mother, and I have no doubt in my mind that she also loves me unconditionally. But the stronger the feelings, the more it hurts when something is not quite right. That 'something' cannot be defined, it can't be fixed easily and it has been this way for quite some time. I wish I had it within my power to put it right. But that's the problem. I try so much, but it seems nothing I do is ever good enough. Nothing is ever right, so it kind of reaches a point where it's much easier to give up, in the idealistic hopes that perhaps one day, it will 'end happily every after.'
We have had a lovely day. Flowers, cards and chocolate were given, the atmosphere was relaxed and happy, we went for afternoon tea, bonded over beverages and food.. all quite simple, but mum seems content. So why am I left feeling so rubbish? Rubbish is not the best way to describe this feeling, but perhaps it's the most acceptable way to put it into words. Rubbish/trash is something that is no longer wanted, no longer of any use, is old and faded, and more of a worthless burden rather than a pleasure to have around. So yes - maybe 'rubbish' is afterall a good description of how I'm left feeling. The ironic thing is, I'm not aware of me even doing anything that could be considered wrong. I am an independant twenty-one year old girl with my feet firmly on the ground. I love my family, I am at university studying for a degree in a subject I achieve well and enjoy, and I am fortunate enough to have a job which pays well and is also a job that I love. Yes, I do still live at home, but is it that wrong to know where I feel safe and comfortable?.. And most importantly, am I that wrong to still need the love and care of my mother?
I don't know what is standing in the way of my own happiness. I am not 'unhappy' as such.. I'm far from it. There is just an empty hole inside me. I don't think I will realise what's missing until I've found what it is. It's like most things in life; they will only come to you once you stop searching for it. Whatever 'it' is. So I suppose this means I need to stop trying to find the answers. There is no harm in organisational planning ahead, but there is a fine line before the cross-over to obsession. When you worry too much about the future, you tend to forget to stop and appreciate where you are at the current moment in time.
Life is about balance. Careful balance. If one side gets weighed down too much, the whole load can just fall right down.