Sunday, 3 April 2011

Mothers day

Mothers day is always so incredibly close to my mother's birthday so it always feels like March/April time is definitely the time of year when my mother is very thankful she has four children to spoil her rotten. When my mother was born back in 1967, she was actually born on Mothering Sunday. I've always thought, what a wonderful gift to my nan that must have been. Well, besides the obvious process of giving birth.

I am aware that I do not want to sound melodramatic or spiteful, but this year especially, it has been difficult to act 'flowery' and like the perfect daughter when there is such a temperamental relationship between me and my mother. By temperamental, I mean very touch-and-go. Very unpredictable and rocky. I love my mother, and I have no doubt in my mind that she also loves me unconditionally. But the stronger the feelings, the more it hurts when something is not quite right. That 'something' cannot be defined, it can't be fixed easily and it has been this way for quite some time. I wish I had it within my power to put it right. But that's the problem. I try so much, but it seems nothing I do is ever good enough. Nothing is ever right, so it kind of reaches a point where it's much easier to give up, in the idealistic hopes that perhaps one day, it will 'end happily every after.'

We have had a lovely day. Flowers, cards and chocolate were given, the atmosphere was relaxed and happy, we went for afternoon tea, bonded over beverages and food.. all quite simple, but mum seems content. So why am I left feeling so rubbish? Rubbish is not the best way to describe this feeling, but perhaps it's the most acceptable way to put it into words. Rubbish/trash is something that is no longer wanted, no longer of any use, is old and faded, and more of a worthless burden rather than a pleasure to have around. So yes - maybe 'rubbish' is afterall a good description of how I'm left feeling. The ironic thing is, I'm not aware of me even doing anything that could be considered wrong. I am an independant twenty-one year old girl with my feet firmly on the ground. I love my family, I am at university studying for a degree in a subject I achieve well and enjoy, and I am fortunate enough to have a job which pays well and is also a job that I love. Yes, I do still live at home, but is it that wrong to know where I feel safe and comfortable?.. And most importantly, am I that wrong to still need the love and care of my mother?

I don't know what is standing in the way of my own happiness. I am not 'unhappy' as such.. I'm far from it. There is just an empty hole inside me. I don't think I will realise what's missing until I've found what it is. It's like most things in life; they will only come to you once you stop searching for it. Whatever 'it' is. So I suppose this means I need to stop trying to find the answers. There is no harm in organisational planning ahead, but there is a fine line before the cross-over to obsession. When you worry too much about the future, you tend to forget to stop and appreciate where you are at the current moment in time.

Life is about balance. Careful balance. If one side gets weighed down too much, the whole load can just fall right down.


  1. I don't know you well enough to really comment, or your mum for that.
    What I can offer are a few thoughts...
    Maybe the fact you ARE achieving, after a long period of illness, is hard for her.
    You work, and are very successful, you study, and are clearly successful, and you are doing your best to fight your demons.
    I don't know how it was when you were in treatment/IP, and I don't know if your mum was a big support.
    I am still at home, and as I am an independent woman, with my own life, as you have, there can be tension.
    The worst time was when I was recovering.
    I think my mum felt like the rubbish/trash.
    No longer needed, or needing for me to be dependent on.
    I feel safe at home. It has allowed me to recover in ways I NEVER could alone.
    So maybe all these factors are impacting relations with your mum.
    That fight for independence between mother/daughter is a long and fraught one.
    There is also the possibility that your mum is jealous of your work - I am thinking the success in modelling.
    That may not even be conscious.
    You are beautiful and amazing, and although your mum may love all of you, there could be that jealousy. I have seen it many times over.
    With regards to good enough...
    I learnt a long time ago, that I AM good enough, and if others cannot see that, then, they don't.
    I have to reassure myself I am.
    And this was my point on my latest blog post.
    I feel, liberated.
    I feel, finally, I am good enough.
    I am a fair bit older than you, and have been in recovery longer, and maybe, all of this, is part of your journey.
    My only suggestion with your mum is communication.
    I know so many who struggle with their mothers - most who are or remain eating disordered.
    There is something in that, far deeper than I could articulate here.
    Just know I am here, Tanya and that I adore you xxxx

  2. It always hits mums hard when their daughters have gone through so much, especially when they are now as successful as they are! Because through the tough time the feel like the 'rubbish/trash' because they aren't enough to help, and then when you get through and become how you are today they no longer need to worry. That worry was probably taking over the trashy feelings and now that's all they are left with. So maybe you are both transferring feelings across one another without realizing, you both love each other dearly, maybe you just need time to adjust. But Tan, be proud of who you are no matter what, you've achieved AHELLUVA lot! x